The End of a Chapter

To all the moments I thought I would have more of, I miss you already.  

I have to start by recognizing my own good fortune.  Life, while it has not always been smooth sailing, has not been so bad either.  I have always had a safe home, food on the table, clean clothes, and fresh water.  I have taken numerous vacations and am about to graduate college.  These are typically all the things I take for granted, and yet I have realized just how fortunate I truly am to have what I have always considered such basic necessities.  Lately, with all of the recent events unfolding, I realize I have spent a lot of time feeling sad, anxious, and angry.  Of course there is much uncertainty, but I am taking a step back to reflect on all that I do have to be thankful for.  While this is a tumultuous time, I know it will pass.

The whole world is hurting and my heart aches for everyone who is suffering during this uncertain moment in time.  People have lost their livelihoods and loved ones.  There is a pandemic and it has been ruining so much for so many.  I don’t want to underplay the severity of this crisis, because I fully understand how so many people across the world are hurting beyond repair.  While this is in part about the virus that has upended lives, it is also about my many feelings on graduating college soon.  I always planned to write about my college experience and to take time to reflect on all that has happened, but I have to address all that is simultaneously happening across the globe.  I hope you all are safe and healthy and doing everything to stay that way.  

As a college senior, this is an especially painful time and I have been feeling so discouraged.  The reality is slowly setting in that I have to say goodbye to a place that has given me so much.  It is time to say goodbye to a place that I was not ready to let go of.  Enough lessons and friendships to last a lifetime.  I knew that this chapter would come to a close eventually, but I thought there was some more time.  Then again, we always think we are going to have more time.  Sometimes, we only get a moment.  

The past four years have built me up, broken me down, and completely changed the way I view myself and the world.  Going to CSU was the greatest decision I ever made.  I was determined to leave the state after high school and go anywhere else, as long as I did not have to stay in Colorado.  It turns out that staying here was the best choice and I truly feel like I had a fulfilling college experience.  I know not everyone can say the same, so for that alone I am so grateful.  I was taught by some of the most intelligent, inspiring professors and was gifted with some of the kindest, funniest friends.  I have been given more than I ever anticipated when I first moved in to the dorms that hot August day in 2016.  The feeling that day was surreal, and I certainly never expected for time to evaporate the way it has.  There are so many moments I would love to go back to, just so I could experience that level of joy again.  Moments turned in to memories that I will hold on to forever.  I had been wanting to write about my college experience for awhile, and decided there was no better time than right now.  

From the unbearable dining hall food to the inevitable anxiety that came the morning of a major exam.  From blasting music in the dorms while curling my hair before a frat party, to movie marathons in twin XL beds on snowy days.  Moving in to my first apartment was a day I won’t soon forget.  Finally having the comfort of my own space made me feel like a real adult (yeah, right).  The late nights with friends making Jell-O shots, binge watching Hallmark Christmas movies, or walking down the block to 7-11 for last minute snacks.  Writing papers until my head nearly hit the keyboard and waking up early to catch the bus before I was late.  From waving to friends in Clark to wondering if the ceiling might just collapse during lecture in that mess of a building.  Junior year was spent just dreaming about how it would feel to turn 21.  Turning 21 was a blur, but the countless nights out afterwards are some of the best.  Bondi Vegas Bombs and Coffee Bombs at Lucky Joe’s.  You knew you went too far when the lights came on in Rec Room and that you would definitely have a headache in the morning.  Grabbing a drink and appetizer at Social, or sitting on the grass outside of New Belgium are some of the simple pleasures in life.  All the outings we never thought twice about are the ones we are going to miss the most.  

There were the beginnings of beautiful new friendships, and the ends of ones I thought would last forever.  There were times I was certain I knew exactly what I wanted to do in the future, and the next second completely doubt all of my plans.  

All the simple, everyday moments are the ones we always end up taking for granted.  I would give anything to sit under the shade of a tree in the Oval or to have lunch with friends in the LSC.  You don’t realize how much you had until you miss being yelled at by the religious extremists in the Plaza, or being asked for the millionth time if you have registered to vote.  I will miss grabbing a drink (or two) in the Skellar after classes and listening to music on the bus after a long day.  I wish I could go drop in my favorite professors’ office hours and stop by to thank my advisors for their much needed guidance the past four years.

Because you never think the last time is the last time.  You expect to wake up and that everything will be the same as when your head hit the pillow the night before.  Suddenly, the definition of reality has changed and you’re left hoping you won’t forget all the moments that made you feel alive.  

I worked for four years to earn two degrees.  It’s an accomplishment I have been looking forward to celebrating for a long time.  While I am proud of myself, I was so excited to walk across the stage in front of my family and receive my diploma because I wanted to make them even prouder.  I wanted to pop champagne in the Oval with my closest friends, the feeling of summer hanging in the air around us.  

But, life has other plans.  Commencement has been postponed to December, but I had been counting on walking in May so I could begin the next chapter of my life fully and completely.  Yes, we are still graduating, but it feels like something has been taken away from me and my fellow (almost) graduates.  Graduating from college is a once in a lifetime moment and major achievement.  No one expected for things to end this way.

Now, there is a ridiculous toilet paper shortage and good luck trying to find hand sanitizer.  Walking in to the grocery store is eerie, the shelves bare.  It is surreal, especially because it is something I never thought I would live to see.  All restaurants and bars are closed for at least 30 days, along with salons, spas, and many retail stores.  It’s recommended to stay inside and avoid crowded places.  My friends and I cancelled our spring break trip to Southern California and graduations across the country are being cancelled.  Italy is on a national lockdown and several states in America are beginning to follow suit.  Schools across the world are transitioning to online courses.  Not only are college students completing classes online, but elementary schoolers are having to adjust as well. It feels like life should be on pause, but nothing is slowing down.  I just know when I tell my kids about this someday, they definitely won’t believe me.  Everything is changing so rapidly that it almost feels impossible to keep up.  Many people are working from home or out of jobs.  Airports feel deserted and there is hardly any traffic.  In a matter of weeks, everything has changed.  I can not think of a single person I know who has not been directly impacted by this, which creates a sense of unity.  At least there is some beauty to be found even in the darkest of times.

Though our time in school has ended much sooner than we had hoped, the memories are here to stay.  I know I have enough to last a lifetime.  We will get through this and in the meantime, instead of focusing on what has been lost, let’s hold on to what we still have.  

Until next time, xxx.

An Old Piece

I haven't posted on here in forever, even though it was something I really used to love.  It's not that I don't love writing or sharing it with people from all around the world, but life happens and life can be unbelievably crazy.  This used to be such a special place to me four and five years ago, and sadly I don't really know what happened to change that.  I suppose a lot of other things became priorities, and writing got pushed to the side.

For a while, I stopped writing entirely.  It was the longest, most frustrating period of writer's block I've experienced.  School was and has continued to be overwhelming, and that's ultimately where the majority of my energy goes.  Whenever an idea came to me, I remembered a research paper that had to be written, or a test I had to study for.  I remembered a million other things that seemed more important than writing.  Still, what can truly be more important than the things that fill you with the most joy?  One of the biggest things in my life that brings me peace is writing, yet I wasn't giving it the time and thought that it deserved.

I wanted to take a moment to share something I just found in a bunch of old files.  I wrote it years ago, and reading it today made me nostalgic.  I did a little editing, and took this time to reflect on the writer I used to be and the writer I have become.  Every time I write, I think about how I have changed as a writer, and that only inspires me to write more.  I remembered the girl who wrote tirelessly until she could hardly keep her eyes open.  I was brought back to my blind optimism and hopeless romantic heart.  I took time for writing again.  So, here it is, even if it is an old piece. I hope it reminds you of someone special...

and I hope wherever you are, it's warm outside.  you never liked the cold.  and I hope the sky is clear enough for you to see the stars and I hope sometimes you'll think of me and remember how you said my laugh was like a wind chime.
maybe you'll remember the way my hands fit in the palms of yours, and how my eyes looked like pools of honey in the sun.

and I hope you remember,
because I remember you.


I remember how you smelled like the salty ocean breeze.  your green eyes were as bright and soft as a spring day, and your smile made my stomach turn over with butterflies.  Your laugh sounded sweeter every time I was the one telling the joke, for you always laughed like I was the funniest person in the room.  I know I wasn't. 

and I hope wherever you are, you are happy. I hope that something made you smile today.  the type of smile where your eyes crinkle in the corners like that old copy of my favorite book.  the type of smile where one dimple forms on your right cheek, which makes your whole face flush with embarrassment. 

I hope tonight you fall asleep on the cool side of the pillow and that in the morning your coffee doesn't burn your tongue.  
I hope you wake up to sunshine through the curtains and the birds singing their lullaby from the trees.


and I hope wherever you are, someone is loving you in a way I couldn't.  I hope they make your heart full, even though the thought of it makes my eyes sting.  because I loved you so, but I don't know who you are anymore.  
the sound of your laugh slips away but I'm sure your eyes are exactly the same. 

so I'll still look for you in every crowded room and sometimes I think about you on the nights I wake up from a bad dream.  when my head hits the pillow before I sleep, it feels like my life is melting away.  I miss the hours that stretched in to evenings and I wonder where we could have gone.  

but I'll still find you in the sunsets, the rain clouds, and everything in between.

in Gatsby there is a line that reads, "in his blue gardens men and girls came and went like moths among the whisperings and the champagne and the stars."  isn't it lovely?  It reminds me of you, and I don't know why, but it's quiet and calm and brings me more peace than you ever could.

because when your favorite song comes on the radio, I can picture you singing along entirely off key and drumming your fingers on the wheel.
my phone rings and for a split second I hope it's you, before I remember everything we are not.
you used to be a part of everything I did, but now you've just become a moment, a thought passing in time.  you are everywhere but you are completely gone.


so, yes, sometimes I miss you.

and I hope sometimes you remember to miss me.

but even if you don't, well... that's okay, too.

Body Positivity Petition- Stopping the Negative Stigma Around Body Image

Hi Blogging World!  I know I haven't posted in way, way too long but I'm back with an important favor to ask all of you!

For a final group project we have to create some sort of positive change and my group is focusing on the issue of body images in our society.  Please take 10 seconds of your time (all it requires is an email and your name) to sign this petition that we will eventually send to Abercrombie & Fitch!  Thank you so much and I will hopefully be back soon at the start of summer!  Until next time, xxx.

Here is the link... and thanks again!

https://www.change.org/p/abercrombie-and-fitch-promoting-positive-body-image-in-media

Living for Now

I used to live for the future.  The day I graduate, fall in love, get married, have kids, watch them graduate and have kids of their own.  All of that.

Now I'm living for today.  For the moment.  This life has so much to offer and if we don't spend each second enjoying what we have, it'll all be gone before we know it.

I used to dread Mondays (sometimes I still do) but I am trying to change that.  I used to always be waiting and waiting.  Waiting for Friday or waiting for the weekend.  Waiting for my birthday or whatever holiday was up next.  Waiting for my shift to be over so I could go home and nap, or go out with friends.  Waiting to finish up an assignment or take a test.  Waiting for that boy to text back or for that grade to post.  Waiting for something that was inevitably (or not) in the future.  Because nothing is guaranteed you know.  Maybe that boy never texts you back or your weekend wasn't as exciting as you had hoped.  Maybe you end up disappointed, all because you had waited so intently for so long.

That is why I have decided to savor each moment for what it is, even if it ends up being less than favorable.  Each moment will add up to those monumental days.  Even when they may seem insignificant at times, one day you will look back and realized how everything fell together.  You don't have to necessarily go searching for meaning in every insignificant detail, but appreciate every second you're given.

Even on "the worst day ever," there is still something to appreciate and be thankful for.  So live for now and stop waiting.  Things will come with time.  The future will be here before you know it, and then it will be gone.  Until next time xxx.

What I Believe it Means to Be a Human

I watched a series called "Middle Ground" on Youtube by Jubilee.  There are only three brief episodes so far, but essentially it takes two opposing groups, puts them in a circle together, and proposes questions for them to discuss.  So far there were the Atheists and Christians, the Pro-Lifers and Pro-Choicers, and Liberals and Conservatives.  The way some people spoke as Atheists and Christians really got me thinking, and it wasn't because I liked what they were saying.  I believe it is important to have opinions and to believe in things for yourself, but that doesn't require you to go around screaming at everyone who disagrees.  People are allowed to disagree.  It makes the world interesting.  Imagine how truly boring this life would be if everyone was the same.

Anyways, when asked if they believed their lives were important and valuable, one lady said hers wasn't.  Another person said that they felt like everyone was insignificant.  A man tried to boast about just how important we all really are.  I disagree with all of them, and now I can't sleep.  While no single individual is the center of the entire universe, everyone matters.  Each individual has a unique story and is significant. It doesn't matter that there are billions of people on this planet.  There is room for everyone to enjoy the human experience.  To love and to hurt.  To win and lose, rise and fall.  It's all a part of being human.  No one said this life is fair.  As a matter of fact, life does an excellent job at being incredibly unfair.
I used to complain if I had an awful professor or had a bad hair day.  Oh my God, this is so unfair!  Then my dad reminded me that life really isn't fair.  Because, who is to say that I should have food on the table and a bed to sleep in?  Why is it fair that I can get an education, drive a car, read, write, and talk?  Some people can't even stand up on their own.  Many people don't have a roof over their head.  How is it fair for me to have any of those things?
On the other hand, is it fair that some people get private jets and live lavishly like the Kardashians or royal family?  No.  That's not fair either.  Nothing is fair, and to recognize that is to be human.

People will be different than you, but that doesn't make you any better.  Just because you believe in God, doesn't mean He exists.  Just because you don't believe in God, doesn't mean He isn't real.  The truth is, sometimes you don't really know what the truth is.  So does that give you the right to judge others for thinking differently than you?  I don't think so... I think everyone should be allowed to think whatever they want, but that they should respect how others think and feel as well.  Just some thoughts.  Love each other.  Until next time xxx.

Words on Las Vegas

Sometimes there is no way to articulate a certain event.  This is one of those times.  First off, I want to say I am mourning along with the rest of the country and world for those directly impacted by this heinous tragedy.  It thoroughly disgusts and deeply saddens me.  50+ innocent lives were brutally robbed from this earth, and over 500 people have been physically injured.  Yet, it goes so much deeper than that.  Thousands upon thousands of people have been personally impacted by this event.  Whether they were fellow concert goers, musicians, residents of Las Vegas, or lost their loved ones, peoples' lives are forever changed after the evening of October 1st.

I will not name the perpetrator.  He is a terrorist.  He is a monster.  He was a 60-something white male that could've been your neighbor, friend, or family member.  But forever he will be remembered as a terrorist.  Might I add, mentally ill.  No matter what anyone says, I truly believe all terrorists are mentally ill.  All serial killers, too.  No normal, mentally sound human being would go off and cause such havoc and tragedy for the hell of it.  Only mentally ill and unstable people go to the lengths that these terrorists go to.

On that note, there is no place in this world for automatic weapons.  No average joe needs automatic or semi-automatic guns.  I ask you... what hunter needs a machine gun?  What person wanting to protect themselves and their family needs an automatic weapon?  A handgun or rifle, maybe I can understand, but automatic rifles and weapons?  It is so unnecessary.  And it makes me sick to know that after so many mass shootings in this country, our government continues to sit around and ignore the issues at hand.  Text ACT to 644-33 if you don't want the innocent victims to have died in vain.  If you want there to be a real change, then speak up and stand up for what is right.

People died.  They were murdered.  That is in the past and unfortunately we can not reverse time and save all those innocents.  But we can make their deaths mean something.  We will never let them be forgotten.  There was Columbine, Virginia Tech, Pulse Nightclub, Aurora Movie Theater, Sandy Hook, San Bernardino, and Fort Hood.  Oh, and all of those have occurred in my lifetime.  I am only 19 years old.

After Sandy Hook, I really started to wonder if things would ever change.  I mean, 26 people died then and 20 of them were children.  Children.  Elementary-aged children.  If that doesn't haunt you then I don't know what will.  But I still believe it is never too late for change.  From the bottom of my heart, I believe that this world and this country is capable of change.  I believe that American can be great.

And now I want to ask you this:  Is this what making America Great Again looks like?  I can think of plenty of other countries that are arguably in better shape than we are.  And no, I'm not saying I am not proud to be an American.  I love this country.  I love these people.  But that is why it breaks my heart to see some not fighting for a change.  You can love something and admit that it needs improvement.  It doesn't make you any less patriotic.  It means you want the best for this country and all of its people.  It means you care about the truth.

So, people died.  It was a terrible day in U.S. history that started out like any other day.  Isn't that how it always goes?  One moment everything is fine and the next things more horrific than we could possibly imagine are unfolding.  But I will remember and I know you will, too.  We stand stronger together than apart.  I love you, Vegas.  Stay strong.  Until next time, xxx.



Click the link below to donate to the Las Vegas Victims' Fund:

https://www.gofundme.com/dr2ks2-las-vegas-victims-fund

To the Friends I Made Freshman Year of College

First off, all I have to say is wow.  Can you believe this first year is almost all over?  Already, we are one year in to this new and exciting chapter of our lives.

And I'm thankful for all of you.  Maybe some of us will stay friends forever, or maybe I'll only catch up with some of you once in a blue moon.  No matter what, this year will forever remain unforgettable.  The memories we made will last us a lifetime.

From ordering pizza at early hours of the morning, to walking in aimless circles when the navigation takes you to the wrong party, we've had some good times.  Then there's been the heartbreaks from undeserving, idiot boys or the cat fights with our girl friends or roommates.  Endless tears and the screaming at the top of our lungs.

We've cheered on the football team from the scorching hot bleachers, struggled to find four or five perfect Halloween costumes, and tried to honor every Wine Wednesday with a glass of Franzia, but gave up at the beginning of first semester.

At first, we thought the dining food might be our ultimate demise, or that walking to every class was going to make our feet fall off.  But we're still here and I'm proud to say I've gotten used to everything that I thought was going to ruin my life.

We complained tirelessly about how terrible the dorms were and how we couldn't wait to leave.  No one could stand living in a shoebox.  Now, I have to admit that saying goodbye will be bittersweet.  There are so many memories held inside a dorm and there was always something entertaining going on right outside the door.

Wasn't it exciting to get ready every Friday and Saturday night?  Curling each other's hair, dusting on highlight and contour, and trying on each other's clothes will always be special moments to me.  From Margaritaville, to making that Uber driver take us to McDonald's before inviting him in to the party with us that one time, there have been more than enough wild nights.

That's what makes a family, don't you think?  We fight sometimes but we are always there to catch one another when we fall and we have so many special memories that we share with one another.  If I ever needed advice or to vent, I know I had at least ten people to turn to.

Now, I think things might get a bit lonely over summer and next year.  I know everything will be fine and we will all keep in touch, but we can admit that things just won't be the same.  There's something so unique about living surrounded by 50 other people at all times.

We've had dance parties in the lounge, Bachelor viewing parties, and all sorts of other parties.  Maybe too many parties?  Impossible.
It's hard to condense everything we have experienced in to words, because there's just too much.

All I can say now is that I hope in about 10ish years (maybe sooner, but let's be honest probably not) you're excited when you get an invitation to my wedding in the mail.  I know you're all going to go so far in this world and I'm beyond excited to see what the future holds for each of you.

Thank you for making my freshman year one of a kind.  Endless love for all the people that made my first year of college one of the best years of my life.  Until next time xxx.