The End of a Chapter

To all the moments I thought I would have more of, I miss you already.  

I have to start by recognizing my own good fortune.  Life, while it has not always been smooth sailing, has not been so bad either.  I have always had a safe home, food on the table, clean clothes, and fresh water.  I have taken numerous vacations and am about to graduate college.  These are typically all the things I take for granted, and yet I have realized just how fortunate I truly am to have what I have always considered such basic necessities.  Lately, with all of the recent events unfolding, I realize I have spent a lot of time feeling sad, anxious, and angry.  Of course there is much uncertainty, but I am taking a step back to reflect on all that I do have to be thankful for.  While this is a tumultuous time, I know it will pass.

The whole world is hurting and my heart aches for everyone who is suffering during this uncertain moment in time.  People have lost their livelihoods and loved ones.  There is a pandemic and it has been ruining so much for so many.  I don’t want to underplay the severity of this crisis, because I fully understand how so many people across the world are hurting beyond repair.  While this is in part about the virus that has upended lives, it is also about my many feelings on graduating college soon.  I always planned to write about my college experience and to take time to reflect on all that has happened, but I have to address all that is simultaneously happening across the globe.  I hope you all are safe and healthy and doing everything to stay that way.  

As a college senior, this is an especially painful time and I have been feeling so discouraged.  The reality is slowly setting in that I have to say goodbye to a place that has given me so much.  It is time to say goodbye to a place that I was not ready to let go of.  Enough lessons and friendships to last a lifetime.  I knew that this chapter would come to a close eventually, but I thought there was some more time.  Then again, we always think we are going to have more time.  Sometimes, we only get a moment.  

The past four years have built me up, broken me down, and completely changed the way I view myself and the world.  Going to CSU was the greatest decision I ever made.  I was determined to leave the state after high school and go anywhere else, as long as I did not have to stay in Colorado.  It turns out that staying here was the best choice and I truly feel like I had a fulfilling college experience.  I know not everyone can say the same, so for that alone I am so grateful.  I was taught by some of the most intelligent, inspiring professors and was gifted with some of the kindest, funniest friends.  I have been given more than I ever anticipated when I first moved in to the dorms that hot August day in 2016.  The feeling that day was surreal, and I certainly never expected for time to evaporate the way it has.  There are so many moments I would love to go back to, just so I could experience that level of joy again.  Moments turned in to memories that I will hold on to forever.  I had been wanting to write about my college experience for awhile, and decided there was no better time than right now.  

From the unbearable dining hall food to the inevitable anxiety that came the morning of a major exam.  From blasting music in the dorms while curling my hair before a frat party, to movie marathons in twin XL beds on snowy days.  Moving in to my first apartment was a day I won’t soon forget.  Finally having the comfort of my own space made me feel like a real adult (yeah, right).  The late nights with friends making Jell-O shots, binge watching Hallmark Christmas movies, or walking down the block to 7-11 for last minute snacks.  Writing papers until my head nearly hit the keyboard and waking up early to catch the bus before I was late.  From waving to friends in Clark to wondering if the ceiling might just collapse during lecture in that mess of a building.  Junior year was spent just dreaming about how it would feel to turn 21.  Turning 21 was a blur, but the countless nights out afterwards are some of the best.  Bondi Vegas Bombs and Coffee Bombs at Lucky Joe’s.  You knew you went too far when the lights came on in Rec Room and that you would definitely have a headache in the morning.  Grabbing a drink and appetizer at Social, or sitting on the grass outside of New Belgium are some of the simple pleasures in life.  All the outings we never thought twice about are the ones we are going to miss the most.  

There were the beginnings of beautiful new friendships, and the ends of ones I thought would last forever.  There were times I was certain I knew exactly what I wanted to do in the future, and the next second completely doubt all of my plans.  

All the simple, everyday moments are the ones we always end up taking for granted.  I would give anything to sit under the shade of a tree in the Oval or to have lunch with friends in the LSC.  You don’t realize how much you had until you miss being yelled at by the religious extremists in the Plaza, or being asked for the millionth time if you have registered to vote.  I will miss grabbing a drink (or two) in the Skellar after classes and listening to music on the bus after a long day.  I wish I could go drop in my favorite professors’ office hours and stop by to thank my advisors for their much needed guidance the past four years.

Because you never think the last time is the last time.  You expect to wake up and that everything will be the same as when your head hit the pillow the night before.  Suddenly, the definition of reality has changed and you’re left hoping you won’t forget all the moments that made you feel alive.  

I worked for four years to earn two degrees.  It’s an accomplishment I have been looking forward to celebrating for a long time.  While I am proud of myself, I was so excited to walk across the stage in front of my family and receive my diploma because I wanted to make them even prouder.  I wanted to pop champagne in the Oval with my closest friends, the feeling of summer hanging in the air around us.  

But, life has other plans.  Commencement has been postponed to December, but I had been counting on walking in May so I could begin the next chapter of my life fully and completely.  Yes, we are still graduating, but it feels like something has been taken away from me and my fellow (almost) graduates.  Graduating from college is a once in a lifetime moment and major achievement.  No one expected for things to end this way.

Now, there is a ridiculous toilet paper shortage and good luck trying to find hand sanitizer.  Walking in to the grocery store is eerie, the shelves bare.  It is surreal, especially because it is something I never thought I would live to see.  All restaurants and bars are closed for at least 30 days, along with salons, spas, and many retail stores.  It’s recommended to stay inside and avoid crowded places.  My friends and I cancelled our spring break trip to Southern California and graduations across the country are being cancelled.  Italy is on a national lockdown and several states in America are beginning to follow suit.  Schools across the world are transitioning to online courses.  Not only are college students completing classes online, but elementary schoolers are having to adjust as well. It feels like life should be on pause, but nothing is slowing down.  I just know when I tell my kids about this someday, they definitely won’t believe me.  Everything is changing so rapidly that it almost feels impossible to keep up.  Many people are working from home or out of jobs.  Airports feel deserted and there is hardly any traffic.  In a matter of weeks, everything has changed.  I can not think of a single person I know who has not been directly impacted by this, which creates a sense of unity.  At least there is some beauty to be found even in the darkest of times.

Though our time in school has ended much sooner than we had hoped, the memories are here to stay.  I know I have enough to last a lifetime.  We will get through this and in the meantime, instead of focusing on what has been lost, let’s hold on to what we still have.  

Until next time, xxx.

An Old Piece

I haven't posted on here in forever, even though it was something I really used to love.  It's not that I don't love writing or sharing it with people from all around the world, but life happens and life can be unbelievably crazy.  This used to be such a special place to me four and five years ago, and sadly I don't really know what happened to change that.  I suppose a lot of other things became priorities, and writing got pushed to the side.

For a while, I stopped writing entirely.  It was the longest, most frustrating period of writer's block I've experienced.  School was and has continued to be overwhelming, and that's ultimately where the majority of my energy goes.  Whenever an idea came to me, I remembered a research paper that had to be written, or a test I had to study for.  I remembered a million other things that seemed more important than writing.  Still, what can truly be more important than the things that fill you with the most joy?  One of the biggest things in my life that brings me peace is writing, yet I wasn't giving it the time and thought that it deserved.

I wanted to take a moment to share something I just found in a bunch of old files.  I wrote it years ago, and reading it today made me nostalgic.  I did a little editing, and took this time to reflect on the writer I used to be and the writer I have become.  Every time I write, I think about how I have changed as a writer, and that only inspires me to write more.  I remembered the girl who wrote tirelessly until she could hardly keep her eyes open.  I was brought back to my blind optimism and hopeless romantic heart.  I took time for writing again.  So, here it is, even if it is an old piece. I hope it reminds you of someone special...

and I hope wherever you are, it's warm outside.  you never liked the cold.  and I hope the sky is clear enough for you to see the stars and I hope sometimes you'll think of me and remember how you said my laugh was like a wind chime.
maybe you'll remember the way my hands fit in the palms of yours, and how my eyes looked like pools of honey in the sun.

and I hope you remember,
because I remember you.


I remember how you smelled like the salty ocean breeze.  your green eyes were as bright and soft as a spring day, and your smile made my stomach turn over with butterflies.  Your laugh sounded sweeter every time I was the one telling the joke, for you always laughed like I was the funniest person in the room.  I know I wasn't. 

and I hope wherever you are, you are happy. I hope that something made you smile today.  the type of smile where your eyes crinkle in the corners like that old copy of my favorite book.  the type of smile where one dimple forms on your right cheek, which makes your whole face flush with embarrassment. 

I hope tonight you fall asleep on the cool side of the pillow and that in the morning your coffee doesn't burn your tongue.  
I hope you wake up to sunshine through the curtains and the birds singing their lullaby from the trees.


and I hope wherever you are, someone is loving you in a way I couldn't.  I hope they make your heart full, even though the thought of it makes my eyes sting.  because I loved you so, but I don't know who you are anymore.  
the sound of your laugh slips away but I'm sure your eyes are exactly the same. 

so I'll still look for you in every crowded room and sometimes I think about you on the nights I wake up from a bad dream.  when my head hits the pillow before I sleep, it feels like my life is melting away.  I miss the hours that stretched in to evenings and I wonder where we could have gone.  

but I'll still find you in the sunsets, the rain clouds, and everything in between.

in Gatsby there is a line that reads, "in his blue gardens men and girls came and went like moths among the whisperings and the champagne and the stars."  isn't it lovely?  It reminds me of you, and I don't know why, but it's quiet and calm and brings me more peace than you ever could.

because when your favorite song comes on the radio, I can picture you singing along entirely off key and drumming your fingers on the wheel.
my phone rings and for a split second I hope it's you, before I remember everything we are not.
you used to be a part of everything I did, but now you've just become a moment, a thought passing in time.  you are everywhere but you are completely gone.


so, yes, sometimes I miss you.

and I hope sometimes you remember to miss me.

but even if you don't, well... that's okay, too.

Body Positivity Petition- Stopping the Negative Stigma Around Body Image

Hi Blogging World!  I know I haven't posted in way, way too long but I'm back with an important favor to ask all of you!

For a final group project we have to create some sort of positive change and my group is focusing on the issue of body images in our society.  Please take 10 seconds of your time (all it requires is an email and your name) to sign this petition that we will eventually send to Abercrombie & Fitch!  Thank you so much and I will hopefully be back soon at the start of summer!  Until next time, xxx.

Here is the link... and thanks again!

https://www.change.org/p/abercrombie-and-fitch-promoting-positive-body-image-in-media

Living for Now

I used to live for the future.  The day I graduate, fall in love, get married, have kids, watch them graduate and have kids of their own.  All of that.

Now I'm living for today.  For the moment.  This life has so much to offer and if we don't spend each second enjoying what we have, it'll all be gone before we know it.

I used to dread Mondays (sometimes I still do) but I am trying to change that.  I used to always be waiting and waiting.  Waiting for Friday or waiting for the weekend.  Waiting for my birthday or whatever holiday was up next.  Waiting for my shift to be over so I could go home and nap, or go out with friends.  Waiting to finish up an assignment or take a test.  Waiting for that boy to text back or for that grade to post.  Waiting for something that was inevitably (or not) in the future.  Because nothing is guaranteed you know.  Maybe that boy never texts you back or your weekend wasn't as exciting as you had hoped.  Maybe you end up disappointed, all because you had waited so intently for so long.

That is why I have decided to savor each moment for what it is, even if it ends up being less than favorable.  Each moment will add up to those monumental days.  Even when they may seem insignificant at times, one day you will look back and realized how everything fell together.  You don't have to necessarily go searching for meaning in every insignificant detail, but appreciate every second you're given.

Even on "the worst day ever," there is still something to appreciate and be thankful for.  So live for now and stop waiting.  Things will come with time.  The future will be here before you know it, and then it will be gone.  Until next time xxx.

What I Believe it Means to Be a Human

I watched a series called "Middle Ground" on Youtube by Jubilee.  There are only three brief episodes so far, but essentially it takes two opposing groups, puts them in a circle together, and proposes questions for them to discuss.  So far there were the Atheists and Christians, the Pro-Lifers and Pro-Choicers, and Liberals and Conservatives.  The way some people spoke as Atheists and Christians really got me thinking, and it wasn't because I liked what they were saying.  I believe it is important to have opinions and to believe in things for yourself, but that doesn't require you to go around screaming at everyone who disagrees.  People are allowed to disagree.  It makes the world interesting.  Imagine how truly boring this life would be if everyone was the same.

Anyways, when asked if they believed their lives were important and valuable, one lady said hers wasn't.  Another person said that they felt like everyone was insignificant.  A man tried to boast about just how important we all really are.  I disagree with all of them, and now I can't sleep.  While no single individual is the center of the entire universe, everyone matters.  Each individual has a unique story and is significant. It doesn't matter that there are billions of people on this planet.  There is room for everyone to enjoy the human experience.  To love and to hurt.  To win and lose, rise and fall.  It's all a part of being human.  No one said this life is fair.  As a matter of fact, life does an excellent job at being incredibly unfair.
I used to complain if I had an awful professor or had a bad hair day.  Oh my God, this is so unfair!  Then my dad reminded me that life really isn't fair.  Because, who is to say that I should have food on the table and a bed to sleep in?  Why is it fair that I can get an education, drive a car, read, write, and talk?  Some people can't even stand up on their own.  Many people don't have a roof over their head.  How is it fair for me to have any of those things?
On the other hand, is it fair that some people get private jets and live lavishly like the Kardashians or royal family?  No.  That's not fair either.  Nothing is fair, and to recognize that is to be human.

People will be different than you, but that doesn't make you any better.  Just because you believe in God, doesn't mean He exists.  Just because you don't believe in God, doesn't mean He isn't real.  The truth is, sometimes you don't really know what the truth is.  So does that give you the right to judge others for thinking differently than you?  I don't think so... I think everyone should be allowed to think whatever they want, but that they should respect how others think and feel as well.  Just some thoughts.  Love each other.  Until next time xxx.

Words on Las Vegas

Sometimes there is no way to articulate a certain event.  This is one of those times.  First off, I want to say I am mourning along with the rest of the country and world for those directly impacted by this heinous tragedy.  It thoroughly disgusts and deeply saddens me.  50+ innocent lives were brutally robbed from this earth, and over 500 people have been physically injured.  Yet, it goes so much deeper than that.  Thousands upon thousands of people have been personally impacted by this event.  Whether they were fellow concert goers, musicians, residents of Las Vegas, or lost their loved ones, peoples' lives are forever changed after the evening of October 1st.

I will not name the perpetrator.  He is a terrorist.  He is a monster.  He was a 60-something white male that could've been your neighbor, friend, or family member.  But forever he will be remembered as a terrorist.  Might I add, mentally ill.  No matter what anyone says, I truly believe all terrorists are mentally ill.  All serial killers, too.  No normal, mentally sound human being would go off and cause such havoc and tragedy for the hell of it.  Only mentally ill and unstable people go to the lengths that these terrorists go to.

On that note, there is no place in this world for automatic weapons.  No average joe needs automatic or semi-automatic guns.  I ask you... what hunter needs a machine gun?  What person wanting to protect themselves and their family needs an automatic weapon?  A handgun or rifle, maybe I can understand, but automatic rifles and weapons?  It is so unnecessary.  And it makes me sick to know that after so many mass shootings in this country, our government continues to sit around and ignore the issues at hand.  Text ACT to 644-33 if you don't want the innocent victims to have died in vain.  If you want there to be a real change, then speak up and stand up for what is right.

People died.  They were murdered.  That is in the past and unfortunately we can not reverse time and save all those innocents.  But we can make their deaths mean something.  We will never let them be forgotten.  There was Columbine, Virginia Tech, Pulse Nightclub, Aurora Movie Theater, Sandy Hook, San Bernardino, and Fort Hood.  Oh, and all of those have occurred in my lifetime.  I am only 19 years old.

After Sandy Hook, I really started to wonder if things would ever change.  I mean, 26 people died then and 20 of them were children.  Children.  Elementary-aged children.  If that doesn't haunt you then I don't know what will.  But I still believe it is never too late for change.  From the bottom of my heart, I believe that this world and this country is capable of change.  I believe that American can be great.

And now I want to ask you this:  Is this what making America Great Again looks like?  I can think of plenty of other countries that are arguably in better shape than we are.  And no, I'm not saying I am not proud to be an American.  I love this country.  I love these people.  But that is why it breaks my heart to see some not fighting for a change.  You can love something and admit that it needs improvement.  It doesn't make you any less patriotic.  It means you want the best for this country and all of its people.  It means you care about the truth.

So, people died.  It was a terrible day in U.S. history that started out like any other day.  Isn't that how it always goes?  One moment everything is fine and the next things more horrific than we could possibly imagine are unfolding.  But I will remember and I know you will, too.  We stand stronger together than apart.  I love you, Vegas.  Stay strong.  Until next time, xxx.



Click the link below to donate to the Las Vegas Victims' Fund:

https://www.gofundme.com/dr2ks2-las-vegas-victims-fund

To the Friends I Made Freshman Year of College

First off, all I have to say is wow.  Can you believe this first year is almost all over?  Already, we are one year in to this new and exciting chapter of our lives.

And I'm thankful for all of you.  Maybe some of us will stay friends forever, or maybe I'll only catch up with some of you once in a blue moon.  No matter what, this year will forever remain unforgettable.  The memories we made will last us a lifetime.

From ordering pizza at early hours of the morning, to walking in aimless circles when the navigation takes you to the wrong party, we've had some good times.  Then there's been the heartbreaks from undeserving, idiot boys or the cat fights with our girl friends or roommates.  Endless tears and the screaming at the top of our lungs.

We've cheered on the football team from the scorching hot bleachers, struggled to find four or five perfect Halloween costumes, and tried to honor every Wine Wednesday with a glass of Franzia, but gave up at the beginning of first semester.

At first, we thought the dining food might be our ultimate demise, or that walking to every class was going to make our feet fall off.  But we're still here and I'm proud to say I've gotten used to everything that I thought was going to ruin my life.

We complained tirelessly about how terrible the dorms were and how we couldn't wait to leave.  No one could stand living in a shoebox.  Now, I have to admit that saying goodbye will be bittersweet.  There are so many memories held inside a dorm and there was always something entertaining going on right outside the door.

Wasn't it exciting to get ready every Friday and Saturday night?  Curling each other's hair, dusting on highlight and contour, and trying on each other's clothes will always be special moments to me.  From Margaritaville, to making that Uber driver take us to McDonald's before inviting him in to the party with us that one time, there have been more than enough wild nights.

That's what makes a family, don't you think?  We fight sometimes but we are always there to catch one another when we fall and we have so many special memories that we share with one another.  If I ever needed advice or to vent, I know I had at least ten people to turn to.

Now, I think things might get a bit lonely over summer and next year.  I know everything will be fine and we will all keep in touch, but we can admit that things just won't be the same.  There's something so unique about living surrounded by 50 other people at all times.

We've had dance parties in the lounge, Bachelor viewing parties, and all sorts of other parties.  Maybe too many parties?  Impossible.
It's hard to condense everything we have experienced in to words, because there's just too much.

All I can say now is that I hope in about 10ish years (maybe sooner, but let's be honest probably not) you're excited when you get an invitation to my wedding in the mail.  I know you're all going to go so far in this world and I'm beyond excited to see what the future holds for each of you.

Thank you for making my freshman year one of a kind.  Endless love for all the people that made my first year of college one of the best years of my life.  Until next time xxx.

Love, me

Dear the person I was a year ago,

High school goes by faster than I could've ever imagined. Four years really isn't that long, but it sure felt like my entire life. Graduation season approaches and suddenly everything is different. The world has seemingly changed over night. I will spend summer not knowing how to define myself. I'm not in high school, but also not in college. I'm awkwardly in the middle and waiting for what is next. You are going to make some questionable and downright terrible decisions over the summer. Just admit when you screw up, this whole thing is a part of growing up. Don't make the same mistakes twice. 

Leaving for college is something you'll never forget and move in day is a complete blur. So much is going on and there are people everywhere and you're so ready to be here but also so ready to go home and crawl in to bed. There is music and laughing and tears of goodbyes and you wonder if this is somehow the beginning of the rest of your life. 

First semester is challenging and at least once a day you wonder if you'll make it out alive or at least with your sanity. You'll walk more than ever and swear your feet will fall right off your body. The endless hours of staying up long past midnight to complete an assignment really takes a toll on you. Some professors will make you roll your eyes so hard they get stuck in the back of your head. Some will teach with such enthusiasm that you'll actually look forward to class.  

It's fine to cry sometimes and feel homesick beyond belief. You'll FaceTime your parents and wish you could be right next to them. Your brothers will shout hellos to you over the phone and your heart will ache with the longing to squeeze them in a big embrace. You'll FaceTime your dog on his birthday with happy tears running down your face. I'm laughing as a I write this now with some tears in my eyes because I see how much I took for granted growing up. It's the littlest things you will end up missing the most. 

Trump will be become president (yes the reality star will become president) and you'll truly contemplate dropping everything and moving to London because you loved it so much there anyways. The day after the election comes and campus is eerily quiet. For the most part, you're surrounded by like minded thinkers. People who believe in a woman's right to choose, protecting our planet, and helping those in need. Enough of this "every man for himself" bullshit. We are all humans, we all deserve love, and we all need help sometimes. This country is not a business, it is simply land with a lot of people living on it. We all live on a planet together and should not be divided as if others are the enemy. You know this. You were raised to accept everyone and be open-minded. The election will have you fearful for the future, but keep your head held high and believe. There are more people that think like you than you think and there is always hope. 

The holiday season rolls around and the days are short and bitterly cold. The stress of finals approaching will weigh on you more than ever and while you're loving college you also truly hate it sometimes. The partying nearly every weekend has taken a toll on you and you're waiting for your liver to fight back. You wonder if you'll ever gain back all the hours of sleep lost. 

Then comes the phone call at 3 am from your dad. You only will wake up because your headphones are in and it yanks you straight out of your sleep. When you see a missed call from him your stomach will flip and your heart will instantly drop because you already know exactly what's happened. The drive through the darkness is something you'll unfortunately never forget and your whole body is quivering with utter heartbreak and despair. 

You'll cry over Jacques' body in the sterile and lonely animal hospital. Your tears soak his curly fur and your breathing is so jagged you'll swear you're about to die too and join him wherever he may be. You know you've lost a piece of your heart that you can never get back and you'll cry about it for months and months, but it's okay. You have to remind yourself that he is always with you and that some days are going to be better than others. Every memory of him is fond and your heart is full, even though his passing left it so broken. You know you're beyond lucky despite it all. 

Christmas is weird. Is any Christmas ever really normal? It's your first college Christmas and your first Christmas in Colorado without Jacques. Everything is different but somehow it's all much the same. It's going to be a new year and then Daniel has a seizure and you swear God is angry at you for something. You wonder why everything seems to be falling apart but then suddenly it'll be 2017. You're working at the mall and it's your first retail job. To your surprise, you are really enjoying it. Not only are you making money but you're surrounded by cute clothes and incredible people. While you only will work there for a little bit, you'll be endlessly thankful for the opportunity. 

Time for a new semester and you'll be shocked that you've made it halfway in to the first year already. Your classes are better but worse. There's more homework but you are enjoying what you're learning about. Don't let people put your major down or put you down for what you're passionate about. You know not everyone understands, but don't forget your gift. You have a talent and never let anyone tell you otherwise. 

You'll develop a crush on a boy that is probably way out of your league, but you fall hard anyways. You spend hours self loathing and criticizing yourself, wondering if you'll ever be good enough for him or anyone for that matter. Yeah. Screw that. You're too strong to be thinking that way and you know it. Besides, what's one boy really? Life is too short to worry over people and things that don't matter at all. 

It's college, so naturally you fall back in to the same partying habits from last semester. Shots for everyone, themed frat parties, and dancing on tables is the way of life. Honestly, why even take shots if you can chug straight from the bottle, right? You're going to experience such a high, but every hungover morning is going to be just as miserable as you expected. You'll create plenty of memories, some more blurry than others, but nothing is going to change. Nothing is going to get better in life unless you act and decide to take things in to your own hands. Some of your favorite weekends will be the ones that you spend in with your closest friends. You'll have more energy and feel less stressed all around. Still, work on balancing your social life. Sometimes you need to just chill and not worry about going out. 

Stick up for yourself. Don't let boys or friends treat you however they want. You're not a doormat and you know how to speak your mind. Thankfully, your parents didn't just teach you how to be a kind person, but they taught you how to stand up for yourself and others. Thank them for making you strong. Even though you fight with your parents and have your moments, you know you wouldn't be who you are without them. 

Remind yourself to love yourself the way Jacques loved you. Remember the lessons he taught you. Be forgiving, loving, and live in the moment. Love yourself and love those around you. Be grateful and appreciative for each second you're blessed with. Don't take anything for granted, no matter how small it may seem. Work hard but also take time for yourself to relax and be present. Life is sadly way too short. 

Say prayers not to ask for anything, but just to thank God for the life He has given you. Use your free will for the better, and help those around you when they need it most. Don't leave others the way you have been left before. Enjoy the sun on your skin and admire the way it sinks behind the mountains each afternoon. Remember to appreciate each second, because they'll slip away before you know it. You aren't guaranteed anything in this life, especially not time. 

You've grown a lot.  You have come a long way and have a long way to go. There is constant room for improvement and one day you'll reach that self-actualization stage and truly feel fulfilled. 

Life will test you in lots of ways and throw a lot of curveballs your way. Keep moving forward and don't let anything hold you back. Believe in yourself and love yourself. You're too beautiful inside and out to hate the person you are. Recognize how special you are and never forget how loved you are by your family. Accept everyone for how you want to be accepted. You understand everyone just wants to be loved and belong. Don't forget that. 

I'm so proud of you for almost reaching the end of high school. You have a long way to go and a lot is going to happen very soon, but it is nothing you can't handle. You're going to love college, even when you really hate it. I love you and I am proud of the woman you are becoming. 

Love always,

The you from the future

P.S. stay fabulous

Until next time xxx. 

Jacques

I have avoided writing about this for over two months now for several reasons and they are as follows:

a. If I write about this, I will cry.

b. If I write about this, I will be sad.

c. If I write about this, I will feel the hole in my heart that I have been trying to fill.

d. If I write about this, I will remember everything I want to forget.

e. If I write about this, I will maybe drown in my tears.

f. If I write about this, I will feel regret.

g. If I write about this, I will be lonelier than ever

h. If I write about this, I will never stop writing about this.

i. If I write about this, I will forget how to breathe.

j. If I write about this, it will become real.

J reasons, J for Jacques, J for the one I lost.  My pup.

I haven't known how to write about Jacques because I do not think that enough words exist to describe how I feel.  Nothing will suffice.  My love for Jacques is never ending.  Losing him was losing a part of myself.  Jacques was with me from 5th grade until my freshman year of college. 

 Imagine how much can happen in those eight years, and multiply it by a million.  Then add the number of people you've dated and your grandma's age.  That's how much Jacques and I went through together.  Multiply that by ten.  Exactly.  The answer for how much Jacques and I went through together: a lot.  He was always by my side, and somehow he always knew when I needed him to sit by me or lick away my tears.  When I was celebrating, he was excited too.  When I was ready for bed, he would curl up beside me.  Jacques just knew.  That's the special quality animals possess that humans never will.  Sometimes you have the people in your life that just get it, but a lot of times you have to spell things out for your friends and family.  Jacques always just knew.  What I really hope, especially now, is that he knows how much I love him.  I desperately need him to know that I will never forget him and never let him go.  He will stay in my heart forever.

My best friend.  Jacques was a funny guy.  When he wanted attention, he would paw at us.  He would paw gently, but enough to get our attention.  When he was sitting beside you, a part of him always had to be touching a part of you.  He would howl when the home phone would ring, chase bunnies out of the yard, and growl at any dog 10 times his size.  I swear he thought he was a wolf.  When Jacques lifted his leg to pee once, he lifted it too high and fell over.  I couldn't stop laughing.  One Christmas, he ate a bunch of bubble gum from my stocking and we were all sent in to a panic, worried that he would burp massive bubbles.  Jacques ate an already dead mouse from outside when he was a puppy.  I turned to look at him, and a gross tail was hanging from his mouth, so naturally I screamed.  My poor brothers.  I couldn't tell you how many times Jacques would snatch one of their sandwiches during lunch.  My parents weren't too fond of dogs and I never expected them to love Jacques the way they did.  Sometimes, I swore they liked him more than they liked me (after all, he never had an attitude).  Jacques and my mom would always sit together and Jacques would follow my dad like his shadow.  He was their fourth, furry child.  It was impossible not to love him.

While we loved Jacques and he loved us, Jacques also loved his chewy bones and his bed.  Sometimes, he would prefer to lay right in a sunny patch of carpet or hardwood floor.  I was always worried he would catch on fire in the winter, because he would lay right by the fireplace. 

 Nothing made my heart more at peace than hearing him sigh right before he fell asleep.  I'm tearing up just remembering the sound; the innocence and peace.  I miss him.  When he was a puppy and we brought him home, he could hardly get down a small step.  He was a little ball of cotton and I was automatically smitten.  My brothers were terrified of the tiny but adorable creature that had moved in.

Jacques, that dog.  He would always end up wandering in to the bathroom, but the door would shut behind him and he would whine until we let him out.  I don't know what his issue was, but for a period he would go around peeing in the house.  It was absolutely terrible and I was always so annoyed.  I would have to scrub at the carpet with dish soap and water, cursing the whole time, but not even being angry with Jacques because I knew he didn't mean any harm.  I would give anything to have that back.

Isn't it funny?  We always lose things, but it's only when we lose something we know we can never get back that we really feel it.  I know I won't get Jacques back in my lifetime.  I know I can't replace him, and I wouldn't want to.  Who knows if I will ever be ready for another dog, but I definitely want my children (one day in many years) to experience the love that I have for Jacques.  I want a dog to love my children the way that Jacques loved me.  

My dad asked me what I will tell my children when they get a dog.  He asked what I have learned from having Jacques in my life.  I didn't know how to answer his question at first, but now I think I do.  One day, when my husband and I bring a dog in to our home for our children, I will tell them this:

"Kids, you have to appreciate this little one with everything in you.  Sadly, dogs are angels on earth, but God misses his angels and eventually will want them back.  We are only blessed with them for a short time, so it is important to love them with everything you have and always be kind to them.  This dog will love you as much as your parents do.  You will be this dog's entire world.  Their life depends on you.  The moments you share with this dog will become memories that will last a life time.  Their love for you is unconditional and out of this world.  Remember how it feels in this moment to have something as special as this."

That is what I will want them to know.  I wish everyone understood the powerful bond shared between human and pet.  It is truly indescribable.  Like I said, words will never suffice.  Jacques saved me and showed me genuine love.  Jacques taught me a lot of things:

1. Even with a limp, you can still strut in style.

2. Take some time to nap in the sun.

3. Let the wind blow through your hair.

4. Always love unconditionally.

5. Fear less.

6. Be loyal.

7. Remember your roots.

8. Put family first.

9. Find joy in simple moments.

10. Enjoy the outdoors.

11. Show the ones you love how much you care.

12. Say hello and goodbye.

13. Don't allow distance to change true feelings.

14. Never forget the ones you love.

15. Protect those close to you,

16. Stand your ground, even when you're feeling small.

17. Accept affection.

18. Be grateful for what you've been given.

19. Comfort those in need.

20. Never hold a grudge/always forgive

Jacques may have been only eight when he was taken from us, but I swear he was wiser than any human will ever be.  He really did just understand.  He also showed me that life is precious and that we are not guaranteed anything in this life, especially not time.  Everything could change tomorrow, so live your life richly.  I am working on trying my best to simply be.  Be in the moment.  Be here, wherever here may be.  You never know what life may throw your way. 

Thank you to Jacques for showing me this love and for teaching me how to be a better person.  I appreciate the world around me more because of you.  

He truly did teach me how to see beauty in life and find value in simple moments.

Time goes by fast, I know that now more than ever.  Sometimes, in just a blink, it's gone.  

Jacques has made my heart full.  Even though a piece of it feels empty now that he is gone, I know I would have been incomplete without him in my life.  We may have been different species, but our souls were one in the same.  I can never thank Jacques enough for loving me.  Nothing made me happier than walking in to my house and having him greet me, whether I had been gone a couple hours or a couple of weeks.  He put a smile on my face on the cloudiest of days.  I know my life would not be the same without him, and I would not be who I am today if I had not had eight years with him.

"If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever."

I love you Jacques.  I miss you.  I am sorry we are not together, but know that you live on in my heart and this will remain true until we meet again.  I love you forever and nothing will change that.  Thank you for loving me, too. 

Until next time xxx.

16 Things 2016 Taught Me

2016 was a wild year for me and the entire world, as each year always seems to be.  A country mourned and worshipped a gorilla and everyone was at each others' throats in the battle of Clinton vs. Trump.  No one partied like it was 1999 because Prince died and last Christmas was literally George Michael's Last Christmas.  Then, the world had the audacity to not only take my dog from me, but also to take Carrie Fisher from everyone. If you ever say WTF, 2016 would be the year to say WTF to.  It was one tragedy after another, and everyone found a way to complain about how 2016 was the worst. year. ever.

Personally, I went through a lot (because that's life folks) and while 2016 had plenty of awful times for me, I also grew and learned so much.  2016, you were an interesting one.  Here's to you and everything you taught me.

1. You're not gonna please everyone and not everyone is gonna stick around and it really doesn't matter all that much.  There's more to life than who stays and who goes.  Let go of the ones who have already let you go and life will be that much easier.
2. Focus on yourself.  You're all you have at the end of the day.  Always work on improving and loving yourself like your life depends on it, because it does.
3. There is always something to be thankful for, even when you feel like there isn't.  Do you have a roof over your head, or clothes on your back?  There you go.
4. People are going to love you and people are going to hate you for absolutely no reason.  Sometimes, there is a reason and other times there isn't going to be.  If people don't know you and also don't like you, then there's something wrong with them and not you.
5.  Loss and death are inevitable.  We are all born and then we all die.  When someone you love dies, they take a piece of you with them.  You'll never get that piece back, but they're always with you even when you feel entirely alone.  It is out of your control, so accept what life gives you and accept when the same things get taken away.
6. You'll meet the nicest people at the most unexpected times and you'll meet some of the nastiest people at the most unexpected times, too.  Appreciate the nice ones and don't let the awful ones get under your skin.
7. Allow yourself to feel.  Stop putting up walls; let your guard down and
10.  You will have a few lapses in judgement.  Learn from your own damn mistakes and let life happen to you.  The only way you will ever grow as an individual is if you let yourself get hurt.  As they say, it is a blessing and curse to feel everything so deeply.
8. Spontaneous moments are the ones that will stick with you.  The random, small moments in life are often the ones we end up cherishing most.  Remember the sound of the birds chirping outside your bedroom window.  Remember the feeling of the ocean waves washing over your feet.  There is beauty and grace in the smallest of things.  Never forget how those things make your heart feel.
9. Nothing lasts forever.  Every good and bad thing will cease to be eventually.  There are constant ups and downs, so do not let a bad moment define your life.  Learn from your mistakes and learn from everyone else's mistakes, too.  No one told you to be perfect.  You're not supposed to be perfect, you're just supposed to be as good as you can be.

10. Love the people close to you with all you have. You only get so much time, so don't waste it being petty and angry. Just love. 
11.  It is okay to not know what is going on.  It is okay to be lost, stressed, confused, and frustrated.  You're allowed time to figure your own life out and to figure out the world around you.  This is life, not a race.
12. Say g-o-o-d  r-i-d-d-a-n-c-e to toxic relationships and toxic people.  You deserve a healthy and fulfilling life without unnecessary drama.  Life is dramatic enough.  Toxic people are only good for teaching valuable lessons, and then it's time to say goodbye.
13. You deserve to be happy and smiling.  You deserve to have a warm and full heart.  If anyone makes you feel like you don't deserve these things, then they do not deserve to have a spot in your life.  You deserve it all, and never any less.  Act like it.
14. It may seem surprising, but you're not as broken or defeated as you have felt before.  You are strong and constantly growing.  The world can knock us down, but you are always strong enough to stand right back up.
15. Time goes by fast.  Embrace every moment because we are never guaranteed time in this life.  Be honest and straightforward.  Sometimes you have to be a bit reckless, but never allow yourself to get too out of control.  You're in charge of your own life, so make things happen and put an end to certain things.  It is your life, your story, and you get a say in how things are going to go.
16.  It wasn't the worst year ever.  It was a year and like any year there were good and bad times.  Now it's a new year and there are going to be more good and bad times.  Here's to 2017 not being the worst. year. ever. again.

Congratulations for being quite the year, 2016. See you never. But hey, at least Leo finally won his Oscar, right? Until next time, xxx. 

to the person who died but is still alive

To the parent, friend, or lover.  To you or to me.  To the one who left when they said they never would.

You're dead.  You have been for a long time.
The thing is, you're still breathing and your heart is beating.
You aren't dead.
You're so alive that it makes me wonder if maybe I have died instead. Someone wise once said something that goes, "the hardest thing you will have to do is grieve the loss of someone who is still alive." That's the truth if I've ever heard it.
You're gone but I know you're out there existing a perfectly good life in a perfectly wonderful world that doesn't include me.  You are dead, but I have never seen someone so alive.  Your eyes probably still light up the same, as if you have forgotten about me completely.  Maybe you have, but I think I might be okay with that.  It is easier that way.
If you really died, I would've worn black to your funeral, to mourn the loss of someone I loved so deeply.  It's appropriate to wear black.  Everyone always wears black and sits around sobbing. Except maybe I would've worn yellow, since it was your favorite color after all.  Like sunshine, bumble bees, and scrambled eggs on a Sunday morning.  I would have lit up that whole damn funeral in my pretty yellow dress but you wouldn't have been there to see it.  Everyone would be doing their share of crying, because that's what a perfectly flawed human you were, but you're still alive and the only one left to mourn you is me.  There was no funeral because you aren't dead, but you left me like maybe you were.
Now whenever I hear a siren out the window on a cold night my heart skips a beat and I wonder if it's you.
When the phone rings and I pick it up to silence, I hope it's you on the other end.
And you used to scold me for never wearing sunblock but I haven't burned a summer day since then. It's my record of Wish You Were Here playing on repeat.  How I wish, how I wish you were here.  It's a 5 minute and 36 second song with only three verses, but somehow it keeps playing over and over again as my head sinks into the pillow and I think oh how I wish you were here.
I never knew true sadness until I was weeping in the bathtub and was unsure if it was the spout water that filled the basin or my tears
and
I never knew true loneliness until I was boarding the plane and turned to wave goodbye but you had already walked away
and
I never knew true fear until you were across the room from me holding the bottle of prescription pills and I couldn't reach you fast enough
and before I graduated high school I would wander the empty hallways searching for your laugh or a misplaced memory until I forgot why I was wandering at all.
It's when I was showering and the water was so scorching that it burned my skin, but I didn't realize until I looked at myself in the mirror and saw red splotches painted across my body.  That letter I sent that came back stamped "return to sender" still haunts me when I sleep.
We went chasing pavements but found the place where the sidewalk ends and I fell off.
I saw the cigarette dangling from your fingertips and I wanted to reach out and cinch the flame but knew I would burn myself trying to save you.
It's the doctor saying I know this will hurt before injecting me with a needle, but feeling no pain at all. When I got my wisdom teeth out and they told me to count down from ten, but I got lost by seven.
You are the abstract paintings at the museums that everyone looks at and pretends to understand. You remind me of Psalm 147:4; counting the stars and calling them all by name as if you rule the universe and sprinkled the stars across the black sky yourself.
And I hope your heart is as full as you made me empty.
It was the muttered words, clenched teeth, and white knuckles that told me you had died.  I had known for awhile that you were gone, but I didn't want to hear it.  If I had to hear it, then I would know it was real.  And I don't know exactly when the goodnight changed to goodbye but since then you've been dead, and I decided that if I had to be haunted by a ghost I'm glad it's you.

And it's never the people who die who are in pain, but the ones who are left behind.
That's for everyone who left when you needed them the most.  Now you know you never needed them at all.

Until next time xxx.

10 Things I Learned in the First 4 Weeks of College

 1. Going to class is actually important. In high school, you could get away with missing a week here and a few days there, but you miss one class in college and you're doomed. Get your ass out of bed and drag yourself to class.  I think there have been moments when I have literally dragged myself to class and have made my friends pull me along the sidewalk just to sit through another boring lecture. It's worth it.

2. Make friends with the people you live with. This doesn't mean just your roommate, but the people on your floor. You're stuck with them for a year, so why not try and get along? You could make some life long friends while you're at it. Just socialize.  You can form a little family along the way, and nothing is cuter than that.

3. People will be smarter than you, and they'll make sure you know it. I took a 60 question test today, and people pranced out of there in the first 20 minutes. It reminds me of how my dad told me someone in his college math class turned to him to let him know he got a perfect score on his SAT. Whatever. This is college not the damn amazing race. 

4. Partying gets repetitive and exhausting.  I mean yay shots for everyone I guess, but waking up with a churning stomach and pounding headache isn't such a party. It is possible to have fun without drinking. I did it all the time in high school, but with all this new freedom and all your friends drinking, it seems impossible not to. Take a sober weekend or two and I don't know, watch a movie or catch up on your Z's.  But really, catch up on your Z's.

5. Hall-cest is not best. Ever heard of incest? Well, yeah. If you're hooking up with someone on your floor you're committing hall-cest. Now that should be illegal.  Like I said, you'll become like a little family with your floor mates. You can't hook up with your practical family that's just disgusting. Plus, if it doesn't work out you'll have to look at their stupid face everyday and want to throw up. Just don't do it. 

6. You'll miss home cooked meals. And your bed and your annoying siblings and bossy parents and barking dog. You'll miss the repetitiveness and simplicity of your old life believe it or not. You miss home, but you'll find a new home, too. Home's where the heart is or something like that. 

7. It'll be easy to eat gross food, but it's almost easier to eat fruits and vegetables. It's the one thing you know won't make you want to throw up.  Honestly, even thinking about some of the dining hall food is enough to make my stomach flip.  

8.  You'll walk more now than you ever have in your entire existence. It's painful, but at least you'll be toned, right?

9. You will encounter some of the most interesting people on the planet. From the whack Christian extremists who let you know you're going to hell, to aspiring movie and pop stars, to the next Einstein, you'll find it all on campus. It's enlightening.  It makes all the crazy people from back home seem somewhat... normal.  Maybe not normal.  I wouldn't go that far, but definitely less weird.

10. A breakdown is inevitable. I've lost it a couple times, but hey what can you do? The homesickness can really get to you.  But it's all okay. This is a new place and you have endless opportunities ahead. You'll be just fine. Carpe diem, my friend. Carpe diem. 

Until next time xxx. 

For Every Senseless Act of Violence and Hate

Finally I'm back, but it's for all the wrong reasons.  Yes I've been doing plenty of writing, but I haven't posted for awhile only because I haven't come up with anything important enough to share.  Well now it's time and this is important.  It's important to me, our country, this world, and hopefully to you.
Pray for Orlando
Justice for Alton Sterling
Justice for Philando Castile
Black Lives Matter
and tonight we are left with Pray for Dallas

All of it is filling up your Twitter and Facebook feeds, coming through the radio, and every time you change the channel on your TV you're left staring at breaking news of another tragic event.  I'm beyond angry and sad over everything that is unfolding not only across the world but just in our country alone.  So it's time to talk about it.
Just days ago we were celebrating in red, white, and blue.  Backyard BBQs, cold beer, fireworks, and waving flags around with every ounce of joy in our bodies.  Isn't America the best?  Land of the free, home of the brave.
I ask you, how the hell can we be living in the greatest country in the world when blood is shed each day in senseless acts of violence and hate? Don't get me wrong, I love America.  I know you're probably angrily reading this, hating me with each word.  America is the greatest country in the world, how dare she say it isn't?!  Well how dare you say that it is?  This country needs some work.  Wake up.  We are far from perfect.  
Listen closely, and read less angrily: I am beyond grateful to live the life that I do in this country.  I wouldn't trade it for anything, and I understand I have a lot more than most people in this world.  But it is time for a change.
After the absolutely awful shooting at the nightclub in Orlando, I was texting with my grandma.  She said that this world is different from when she was growing up.  She was born in 1947, and was my age in the 60s.  She said during her childhood and even most of her adult life, nothing horrific like what happened in Orlando ever occurred.  If something similar to it did unfold, it was rare.  It was nothing like what we see today.
The power to turn this country around is in our hands.  It is up to all of us.  Not just Mr. President and our representatives and the other politicians.  We are all people.  We can all do something.  Together.  Isn't that an interesting concept?  Unity.  It's a beautiful thing.  If I can recall correctly... I believe we are living in The United States of America.  Is that right?  It sure doesn't feel like it lately.
I'm not going to get in to gun laws and all that because that's an entirely different post.  What I do have to say is this: it is time for love and peace.  It is time to stop talking about it, and time to start showing it.  Actions speak louder than words and that will always remain true.  So instead of saying "oh wow world peace would be nice," go out into the world and love people.  Show strangers kindness.
Because bottom line (oh I know you're not supposed to start a sentence with "because."  Every one of my english teachers is cringing) but bottom line is we are human beings.  It really is that simple.  We are all living on this earth together.
Enough of the "well they are gay and I'm straight and homosexuality is a sin and oh they're black but see my skin is white so they need to stick with their kind and maybe if they weren't in a gay nightclub they wouldn't have been shot and that person is a Democrat but I'm a Republican so I don't like them and their opinions are stupid and irrelevant and everyone who isn't just like me is going to hell so let's build a wall because..." Enough is enough.  It honestly sickens me that I have heard people speak this way.  These words have come out of people's mouths and it repulses me.  Instead of building walls, we should be knocking them down.  You're an American, they're a Mexican.  He's French and she's Brazilian.  What does it matter?  We all call this world our home.
I could care less who you're attracted to and who you love.  Your skin is black, they are pale, and maybe in the summer I have a tan.  Who the hell gives a damn?
My hair is brown, straight, and long.  People exist with blonde, black, and red hair.  Some people don't have any hair at all.  Sometimes they dye it purple, green, or blue.  It can be curly or wavy or straight.  Long or short.  Does that mean I should kill everyone who doesn't have long, brown, straight hair like me?  No.  Never would that even cross my mind.  Yet when it comes to the color of someone's skin, suddenly people feel justified in judging others for it.  People are judged off of the color of their skin, something they can't help at all.  It's beyond ridiculous.
Now we have police killing innocent people for no reason at all.  These police were not under attack, struggling for their lives, and forced to fire their weapons.  They killed to kill, or for whatever other reason they are saying.  It was senseless.  A man has just been shot and is bleeding out with his girlfriend and her four year old daughter in the car.  The officer is still aiming his gun at the man, who is clearly in no position to harm anyone, blood spreading over his white shirt.  As a citizen, my expectations and hopes for an officer would be to help this man until a medical team arrived, instead of standing there and watching him die.  Watching the video posted by the victim's girlfriend made me want to crawl under a rock and never come out.  But I can't do that.  You can't either.  We have to take a stand against this.  Tonight four officers are dead and many others wounded at the hands of snipers.  Plenty of police officers and others in law enforcement are out in the community to protect us, not to kill.  Yet these innocent men were shot for no reason.  Again, no reason.
We can't be killing innocent people, no matter their skin color, and we can't be killing officers either.  I say "we" because we are all a part of this.  Sure, not everyone is firing a gun, but you know what they used to tell us in school.  If someone is being bullied and you don't do anything about it, you're partly to blame for the bullying.  Standing around and doing nothing is almost as bad as doing something bad.  So let's do something good.
Of course, I wish I wasn't writing this.  I wish that Dallas wasn't trending on Twitter right now.  I wish millions of broken hearted family members and friends weren't enduring the pain of the loved ones lost to senseless acts of violence and hate.  If I could erase it all, rewind time, and make it all go away I would.  I think we all would.
Whoever you are reading this, I hope this isn't the type of world you want to live in.  Whether you're 70 years old, or 14, I hope you don't want your children to live in a world like this.  I hope that you want better.  We should always be looking for ways to better this planet, and spreading kindness is a way to start.
Imagine sitting in a room.  You are with 99 other people.  Together, you are 100.  There are no doors, so no one can leave.  You each have a match in your pocket.  The room is bright and you can see everyone around you.  No one understands why they have a match, because there is already so much light.  Suddenly, the room is plunged into darkness.  All the light is gone.  For several minutes, everyone stands in darkness.  Some get sad, or annoyed, and others angry.  People are confused.  Some stay silent.  You all still stand in darkness.  Time passes.  People are upset that they were put in a room that suddenly turned dark, so they respond with more darkness.  Finally, one person lights a match.  The room is no longer completely dark.  Slowly, more and more people light matches.  Some still stand, refusing to contribute to the light, but after awhile, there is finally enough light to see the people around you again.  All it took was one person to light their match.
You see, as MLK Jr. said, all that can push out hate is love.  Only the light can conquer the darkness.  Not everyone on this earth (or in the room) are going to want to create change.  They will stand by in their own dark world.  But you can light a match, and encourage those near you to do the same.  The darkness and this hate can be overpowered.  It will be overcome, because I truly believe that eventually the pure goodness in this world will win over any evil.  It takes time and work, but it can and will be done.  This generation was perhaps given such a difficult time in history because we have the power to work through it and to fix it.
It is easy to feel discouraged when each day the news is filled with another senseless act of violence and hate.  But we must let this empower us.  We can not back down and I know that we will create a better world for future generations.  A lot of work has to be done, and it must start immediately, so let's go.  I have to stop writing now and you have to stop reading because it's time to change the world.  Until next time, xxx.

To the One Who Loves More

To the girl who will love him more than I ever could,

First off, I was wrong. I thought I'd be the only one to love him that way and I was wrong. You love him more. Please love him more. Believe me, I loved him with everything in me, but I was too broken and sad to fully love anyone enough.  I barely loved myself, but I still tried to love him.  I want you to love him enough. 

I think I broke him in the same way he broke me. I don't want him to be so broken anymore.  I don't think he is. Love him. I hope he feels whole knowing he is loved by you.  I think he is whole and he is happy and that makes me happy.  I hope you love him and love him so much that it hurts.  But the good kind of hurt... not the hurt I felt when I said goodbye.
Secondly, I was wrong.  Did I already say that?  I was so wrong.  I thought it was different and not like the rest and maybe this would work out.  But I was wrong as I so often am.  I was so wrong, but in a weird way I hope I am right about you and him.  Hopefully you will work out and the future will be simply lovely.  There are too many broken hearts in this world.  We don't need anymore than there already are.
Next, I want to say that I appreciate you.  It probably doesn't seem like it.  Hell, half the time it doesn't feel like it either.  I feel anger and hatred and sadness.  But truly, I appreciate you deep down in my heart.  I appreciate you loving someone who once meant the whole world to me.  We share that and have that in common, so I appreciate you because of that.  I can't hate you for loving someone better than I ever did.
Finally, I'm going to tell you something and I hope you don't ignore it.  Love him.  Do not take him for granted because you aren't going to find anyone else like him.  Maybe one day or somewhere else at some other point in the future but right now you two have each other so never take that for granted.    Find the galaxies in his eyes and trace the map on his palm.  Don't forget the blissful feeling you get when he smiles at you.  Love him with your entire soul.  I'm sure you're kinder than I ever was.  I'm sure he loves you more than he ever said he loved me and for some reason it doesn't make me sad anymore.  I'm thankful that he has found a love so great, even if it's not with me.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            
I hope you make him laugh a lot.  I always did love that laugh.  Doesn't it make your heart full?

Thanks again,
the one who tried

Until next time xxx.  

The Key to Happiness

It took me awhile to realize that you never truly made me all that happy. Sure there were the good times, and the moments my stomach fluttered with butterflies all while I couldn't wipe that smile off my face. I felt on top of the world, but the problem with being on top of the world is that you can fall off of it at any second. 

I felt happy, but I wasn't happy. You know?

You said nice things and gave me reassurance when I couldn't love myself. You distracted me from my sadness, and I mistook it for happiness. 

Like a pill, you masked the pain, but you didn't make me better.

Being truly happy on my own has taught me this. Finally loving myself showed me that your validation was never something I needed. I thought I needed it then, because I wasn't strong enough and I didn't love myself enough. 

Relying on the validation of others will never result in happiness. Through failed relationships and friendships I learned that I've never needed anyone to be happy. All I've needed is myself. 

When your mood and behaviors are determined by the attention you recieve from someone else, you know you've dug yourself into a hole. If someone ignoring your text or hanging out with other people worsens your mood, then you need to take a step back and reevaluate who you have become. 

You have to be whole on your own before you can pour yourself into others. 

Staying with people who bring you pain and sadness is a choice you make. You have the power to walk away. You are in control. 

The people you love obviously have the power to hurt you, but if you continuously allow yourself to be hurt by the same person then that is all on you. Take responsibility for your well being. 

I learned this the hard way, because I constantly put my happiness in the hands of others. Now that I have taken back my happiness, I am free. I don't need the validation of anyone else and I am whole when I am alone, and whole when I am surrounded by others. 

So maybe love and friendship is all about giving people the power to hurt you, but I think the key is knowing when to stay and when to walk away. The key is knowing that it's never too late to choose happiness. 

Until next time xxx. 

falling out of love

they are falling apart on the bathroom floor at 3 am. In a mess on the tile in a puddle of tears. You lay beside them, resting your head on a towel. You watch them in silence as they sob until the walls shake. You watch them until sunlight filters through the window, even though they've finally fallen asleep.

they are falling apart on the bathroom floor at 3 am. In a mess on the tile in a puddle of tears. You hear their sobs shake the walls. It's three in the morning, come back to bed. You'll feel better in the morning. They don't get up from the floor, so you wrap the pillow around your ears. As sunlight filters through the window, you feel the empty sheets beside you. You go to brush your teeth, and they're asleep on the bathroom floor.

falling out of love happens quietly, and it may happen to you when you least expect it.

It isn't your fault and it isn't their fault.

Sometimes, no matter how desperately you want to stay in love with someone, you no longer can.  Life is life, and suddenly there is no time to exist alongside the person you love.
It becomes too difficult to simply exist, because at first school is stressful and then people get separated in college.  As teenagers it feels like the weight of the world and future is on our shoulders and no matter how far apart we are we will always find our way back to each other.  Promise?  Always. 
That turns into the small white house tucked between the two weeping willow trees.  The mattress is on the floor, paint cans are in every room and it's perfect.  It's perfect for now.
Then the air conditioning breaks in mid-July, there is a stack of bills on the counter, and how are we supposed to afford this?  I don't know but we'll figure it out.
The baby finally comes and it's the constant photographs being taken by adoring family members.  Your kitchen is full of diaper boxes, patterned blankets, and untouched presents.  The baby crawls for the first time, everyone cries out with excitement and look at how fast they grow.  Time is flying.
It becomes kids that keep you up through the night, after waking from a nightmare.  They're crying and you sit on the edge of their bed and read them stories, holding them until they fall back to sleep.  As soon as your head hits the pillow again the alarm goes off and it's time for work and if you take the kids to school I will pick them up after my meeting.  
It's the holiday season and you're going to their parents' house for dinner.  The kids are dressed in sweaters and all things wintery.  You zip up their coats as they pile into the car.  Halfway down the road, the children singing Jingle Bells merrily from the back seat and did you forget the pie?  Now I have to turn around.


The fight comes a quarter past midnight.
There have been fights like this before, but nothing that has rattled you to the bones.  You clutch onto the couch pillow as they shout.  You stand and throw the pillow to the ground, never expecting such rage to come from yourself.  Your whole body goes cold as you feel them slip away.
Mom?  Dad?  The meek voice calls quietly from the top of the stairs.
Go back to bed, honey.  Everything is fine.  
Why are you fighting?
We're not, honey.  Go back to sleep.  Everything is fine.

Then you wonder how did this happen?  When did this happen and why was I too busy to notice?  Nothing is fine.  Nothing is the same and how the hell could you not realize this sooner... or maybe you did realize, but dismissed it as a part of life.  People grow apart and all of that.  But how can someone who was once a piece of you suddenly feel so far away?  They are standing before you, but they are already gone.

I have seen this happen.  I see it happening all around me, all of the time.
I've seen it in my parents.  My parents who, for a moment in time, loved each other enough to get married.  My parents who had three kids together.  My parents who moved 1000 miles and two states away from home.  My parents who went through it all.  Going through it all can do that to a person... it changes them.  It builds them up and breaks them down.

Falling out of love happens because love requires patience and effort, and patience and effort are two things that run out with time.
So don't blame them and don't blame yourself.
It may be the biggest tragedy of all time: from loving someone so much they become a part of you, to struggling to find reasons to stay.  It happens.
It happens.
It's okay.
Go back to bed, honey.  Everything is fine.

Until next time xxx.