Love the Life You Live

Less than 24 hours ago I wrote about the time I almost died. Now, two of my family members are gone, lost to a tragic accident. Here is what I wrote: 

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Once upon a time, a long time ago, far far away blah blah blah, I almost died.  It wasn't the tragic sort of death where I was clinging to life in a hospital bed, hooked up to beeping machines.  I didn't have some horrifyingly high fever and doctors weren't leaning over me every second of the day waiting for me to kick the bucket.  I wasn't really at the wrong place at the wrong time, nearly escaping a tornado or anything wild like that.  It was a quite normal day, and I remember the sun was out.  It was my dad's birthday.  My parents and I were exploring along the banks of a river.  The water was crisp and clear, and as I waded along the edge I could see my feet on top of the pebbles.  It was a perfect day and very, very peaceful.
Of course, I've narrowly escaped death plenty of times before.  I've been tossed around in my fair share of earthquakes.  There's that time the taxi almost hit me in San Francisco.  There are those small moments that I'll always remember thinking "crap."  But, nothing ever quite like the time I decided to swim in the rushing river.  I wasn't an idiot, okay?  I didn't run off on my own and jump into the rocky waters or anything.  My parents and I waded further into the river together.  My dad went several yards away to observe a tree or something, while my mom carried me on her back.  Suddenly, the pretty pebble floor of the river disappeared.  It was black.  My mom couldn't swim, but luckily I could.  All those years of swimming lessons finally came in handy.  My mom sunk into the water and I tried to cling onto a rock nearby.  The current was too strong, knocking me off the slippery rock.  My dad yelled at me that I had to swim.  There was a sand bar.  I could make it there.  The water stung my eyes.  I had to make it there.  My dad had to help my mom.  She couldn't swim, but I could. I had to swim.  I had to kick my legs.  I had to breathe.  No, don't breathe, I thought as water rushed into my nose and mouth.  Kick.  Swim.  Move.  Move.  Don't drown.  Do not die.  Make it to the sand bar.  The current was strong and I was young.  I reached the sand bar and threw myself on top of it.  I looked behind me.  My dad held my mom.  No one had been swept away by the waves.  I coughed up a bit of water.  We got out of the river has quickly as possible. 
I often wonder why.  I wonder why the water hadn't consumed me on that day.  My dad's childhood friend drowned in an accident years and years ago.  He was on a boat with his date and a storm kicked in.  He died.  He went out on a date and he died.  I went out to explore in a river and I didn't die.
But life has an interesting way of working out that way.  Planes crash into buildings.  Boats sink.  People get sick.  Wrong place, wrong time. 

I didn't post it, and I hadn't even finished writing. The last line I wrote was "wrong place, wrong time." My aunt and uncle were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Honestly, I'm haunted by what I wrote yesterday, as if somehow I just knew deep down that something horrible was about to happen. And something horrible happened. 

If my family hadn't been driving down that narrow road in the dark of night, and if that man driving the opposite way hadn't fallen asleep at the wheel, they would still be alive. 

Everyone says it, right? Love the people you have while you still can. Don't take any moment for granted. We hear it all the time, but do we actually take it to heart? I hold grudges. I stay sad and angry. I hate myself for it, but it's a part of being human. 

At the same time, love is all we have at the end of the day. We are only given so many days on this earth, and it can be taken away in the blink of an eye. I am so grateful for all I have, and I beg of you to please love everyone as much as possible. Forgive, let go, say you're sorry, never give up. Love. Love. Love. Look up at the sun rising and setting and look at the stars that hang above your head. Breathe in the fresh air. Feel the sun on your face. Laugh until your stomach hurts. Hug people. Kiss people. Hold on to people. 

If you were to die tomorrow, would you be happy with the way all your relationships ended? What regrets would you have? I beg you to live in a way where, if the sky fell tomorrow and everything ended, you would have no regrets. 

Pain is inevitable. There will be heartbreak, and sadness, and loss. If you try to be happy all the time, you will lose. You're allowed to hurt. It is a part of being human. But take in this life you were given, and embrace all the ups and downs. One day, it could all be gone. Until next time xxx. 

Who Were They?

What were they like?
Tell me how they made you feel, and tell me how knowing them was like finally breaking the surface of the ocean, after drowning for so long. Did their smile make your heart skip a beat? I bet their laugh was the most beautiful sound in the world.
When you saw them for the first time, did you know that you were going to love them?  Or did your love develop with time, like a polaroid?  Do you think you really loved them?  Maybe you just loved the way they made you feel.  Maybe you were in love with the idea of love.
If you saw that they were sad, did your heart ache too?  Did you feel a bit more complete in their presence, like everything was finally falling together?
Then what about when everything fell apart.

Tell me. Tell me if saying goodbye to them was like hearing your favorite song for the last time. 

 Did you notice when they were gone? Could you physically feel an emptiness within you? 

When the phone rings, do you sometimes hope it's them? 

Do you wish you had never known them at all, but then realize your life would've been nothing without them?

I wonder if they made you smile for no reason at all, and if maybe seeing them was all you needed to get through the day. Perhaps all you needed was to know that they were existing in the same world as you. Maybe that was enough. Maybe it will always be enough. 

Who were they really? Who were they when they weren't smiling and laughing and pretending to be okay? What did their soul look like- could you feel it? Was it like a cool breeze on a hot summer day, or being wrapped in a warm blanket on a snowy winter night?
Were they like standing before a masterpiece in a museum, nearly impossible to entirely take in?  Was loving them like standing on top of a mountain after a long hike- exhausting but satisfying, leaving you breathless?  Was it the quiet satisfaction and comfort that comes when you curl in front of the fireplace on a blustery evening?

Was the touch of their skin against your own enough to light a fire in a forest?
Did you see stars dancing in their eyes, and did you hear a melody in every word they spoke?
When you heard their voice crack and saw tears stream down their face, did your heart break in places you never even knew existed?  

I never said a name, but you were thinking about them the entire time, weren't you?  That's when you know it means something.  That's when it matters.  Until next time xxx.

Tu Me Manques

Missing you is a beautiful sort of tragedy.  I consider myself lucky to miss you, because it means that for a moment in time I didn't miss you at all.  I didn't have to miss you, because I could grab your hand and curl up beside you whenever I wanted to.  I could call you excitedly to tell you the best news, or call you crying to tell you the worst.  Missing you is knowing I can't, but wanting to anyways.

It's reaching for the phone when I got accepted to my dream school, before remembering that you wouldn't care.  It's forgetting the rhythm to my favorite song but remembering all the words and not knowing how to string them together.  It's like dropping a lucky penny in the ocean, and knowing I will never get it back again, no matter how hard I try.  It's wondering if I'll always remember you and you've already forgotten about me.  It's having a million words to say but knowing I will never hear them come out of my mouth.

I don't remember the last time I heard you say my name. You used to whisper my name, or say it with a smile in your voice.  My name used to have meaning as it rolled off your tongue.  Now I wonder when the last time you heard or spoke my name was.  I wonder how it would sound if I heard you say it now.

Missing you is the loudest silence in the world.  Do you remember all those football games, and how the stadium would fill with cheers, laughter, and shouts into the night?  Do you remember how it would sound after everyone would clear out to go party, and you and I would sit alone in the stands?  Do you remember how heavy the air felt, with the noises of the people already gone?  That's what missing you is like.

Missing you is like waking up from a dream.  Do you remember waking up from the most amazing dream only to realize that none of it was real?  Do you remember the sigh of disappointment you'd let out before flipping your pillow over and shutting your eyes?  Do you remember how you couldn't keep your eyes shut for long, because your mind would wander back to your perfect, vivid dream?  That's what missing you is like.

Do you remember me?  Do you ever think of how I must miss you, or do you think I don't miss you at all?

Do you remember how I liked the raw cookie dough more than the actual cookie, and how I could never fall asleep before one in the morning?  Do you remember how loopy my handwriting would become when I was in a rush, or how I wanted to jump on the first airplane to Europe?

Do you remember how I said I was scared of sharks and small spaces... and do you remember how I said more than anything, I was scared of losing the people I love?  My greatest fear was to lose everyone that meant something to me.  Do you remember when I told you that?
Missing you isn't the sort of sadness that dissolves with time.  It is the sadness that settles in your heart and your whole body and never leaves, no matter how much time goes by.

Missing you is wishing upon every shooting star that maybe one day you'll come back around.  Maybe next year, or maybe in ten years.  Missing you is the fear that you'll show up when I'm standing under the alter, about to marry someone else.  It's not being able to decide what would hurt more- if you showed up at my wedding and didn't say a thing, or if you said you missed me too.  It's the fear that if you showed up and said you missed me, I would leave behind someone I was about to read vows to just for one more chance.  Missing you is knowing that I would give everything up for one more moment to exist with you.

And sometimes I swear... while I lay awake at three in the morning, or as I drive on a rainy afternoon.  I swear... as I sit in front of the fire, or look up at the sparkling constellations.  I swear... as I laugh with my friends or drink a cup of coffee.  I swear... as I sit in the sun or take a bubble bath.  I swear... as I open presents on Christmas morning or blow out the candles on my birthday cake.  I swear.  I swear that I will miss you forever.  And I think I'm okay with that, no matter how much I wish I wasn't.  And sometimes I swear you must miss me too.  Until next time xxx.

For My Friend Emily

     10 months before I moved to Colorado, I moved to another town in California, about 20 minutes away from my home town, so nothing too drastic. There, I made a lot of new friends that I will always cherish and never forget.

     I started at a new school, and was in Mrs. Aiello's fifth grade class.  I made fast best friends with Caylin, Ryann, Taylor, Lindsey, Kiara, Deondre (hold your comments about the names), and then there was Emily.  Emily was a bubbly girl.  She was a lot shorter than me (and I'm on the shorter side), but her personality made her larger than life.  There was a forest on one side of our school's playground, and her laugh would echo through the trees on those bright, fall days.
    One morning, Ryann was sitting on the swing crying.  Her mom was a second grade teacher at the school, and my cousin was in her class.  She was crying, which was bizarre because it seemed too early for anything to have gone wrong yet.  I sat next to her on a swing in silence for a couple of minutes, before asking what was wrong.  She said "my dad just got hit by a semi-truck."  That morning, her dad was on his way to work on his motorcycle when a semi blew through a red light, hitting him from the side.  He was in the hospital.  Alive.
     "He will be okay.  I know he will be okay," I remember hearing myself say, leaning back in the swing a bit.  Ryann had stopped crying and had resorted to kicking the tanbark with her foot.  Then I saw Emily running towards us, flailing her arms all over the place.  "YOU GUYS, it is international BACON day!!!" she handed me and Ryann each a limp piece of once crispy bacon.  "Sorry it's cold, I got it in the cafeteria."
     I smiled up at Emily, but shook my head a bit, gesturing to Ryann.  Emily's crestfallen expression was heartbreaking.
     "Hey," Emily sat on the other side of Ryann and took her hand.  I reached over for Ryann's other hand and the three of us sat there quietly until the morning bell rang and we had to go to our classrooms.  We sat in comforting silence.
     That is how Emily was.  She always knew what to say and what to do, and I am forever thankful for my spot beside her at lunch everyday, and our tetherball battles.
     At the end of October I had to pack my life into boxes and move 1000 miles away to a strange place.  It was physically painful to have to leave behind my family, friends, and everything else I knew.  For some reason, I felt like I was leaving my childhood behind, even though I had years to go.
     Starting at a new school once again was incredibly difficult, especially since I did not know a single person.  For a while, I would lay on my bed every afternoon and stare at the ceiling of my new room.  There were unopened boxes everywhere, as if I was hoping my parents would say, "okay, enough of this place, let's move back now."  Of course, they never said that.  They couldn't.  My dad had his new job here so there was no looking back.  I was very sad.  I talked to Caylin and Emily on the phone once for three hours.  Apparently, they had watched a weather video in class that mentioned all the summer thunderstorms in Colorado, and Deondre had shouted that I would probably get struck by lightning and die.  I remember laughing when they told me this.  It was getting late into the night, and I was being yelled at to go to bed, so I had to say goodbye.  I hung up the phone, and as life goes, months went by.  Life doesn't stop for anyone, and I started making friends and became busy once the holiday season rolled around, and almost forgot all about International Bacon Day and sitting on the swings.
     I often return to California, and visit there at least once a year.  The first time I returned after moving, I stayed with my cousins a couple houses down from my old home.  The swing was still in the front yard.  It was a bit crooked, but I went to sit on it anyways, hoping the new people who lived in my old house did not look out the window and see a random girl in their front yard.  As I was swinging, I remembered how fun it was.
     "Let's go," I turned to my cousins, and without me even having to explain myself we started running.  We ran all the way to the elementary school, which was just a few blocks away.  I ran through the trees and climbed the chain link, landing right behind the set of swings that I remembered so fondly.  I was swinging until I reached the top of the trees, and remembered the morning of International Bacon Day.
     "How is everyone?" I called to my cousins as we were swinging.  They are both younger than me, but we all went to the same school for a time and they knew all my friends.
     "Well, I joined Deondre's gang, and Lindsey moved away, after her pit bull chewed a hole through the wall.  Dylan and Catherine still live in the house with the palm trees, and I swear Catherine is in love with me she always sits across the street from the house and stares at me, you know?  Bianca is obsessed with Hannah Montana and follows me and Nadia home from school everyday.  Ryann's dad is all better and she won some fancy dancing award.  Taylor and that crazy dog Rocco are still living on Rocky Point with us... and uh, Caylin left to a private school in Pleasanton," my then third grade cousin explained.  I was still only in fifth grade, but now that I reflect on that moment, we seemed so much older.  I felt overwhelmed after he explained to me everything that had gone on in my absence.       "I'm going to ignore the fact that you joined a gang and ask why Caylin moved to Pleasanton?  I really wanted to visit with her."  I remember feeling so disappointed as I continued to swing.  Caylin had given me a friendship bracelet before I moved to Colorado, and I was looking forward to hanging out with her when I returned.  We could wear our bracelets and everything could be like it used to be.
     "Everything just changed so much.  It's a different place," my cousin flipped off the other swing, but the other cousin and I continued to fly above the leafy tree tops.
     "How is Emily doing?  Maybe I can see her!"  I remember the wind blowing through my hair as I smiled up at the sky.
     "Oh," my cousin called before jumping off the swing, too.  "I think we have to go home now it's almost dinner.  Come on!"  The two of them started running, so I flew off and sprinted after them as the sun began to set.
     We sat around the table as my aunt and mom served us dinner before joining us at the table.  We ate quietly for a few minutes before I set my fork down.
     "Hey auntie, can I have Emily's phone number so I can hang out with her before I leave?"
     My cousins looked anxiously at one another.
     "What?" I shot them a nasty look before hitting them with my napkin.  They both held their hands up and shrugged.
     "Um, Isa, we have some bad news... well I thought you knew,"  my aunt swished her drink around in its glass.
     "Knew what?"  I felt my palms become sweaty, so I wiped them on my shorts.
     "Sweetie, Emily died.  The school left everyone a voicemail."
     I gave everyone at the table a weird look.  "Yeah.  Sure."
     "I am so sorry."
     "Died?  How did she die?  We are in fifth grade!"  I stood up from the table.  No one else moved.
     "She was sick.  The doctors do not know with what... it was very rare and she became too weak too fast and passed away.  I am sorry, but she is gone."
     I left the kitchen without another word and sat on the floor of my cousin's room.  Died.  Emily.  Rare.  Sick.  Passed away.  Gone.  Never are these words that should be strung together in the same sentence when discussing a child.  I was in shock and my heart was heavy.  I could not believe it.  Everything really had changed, and now a selfless girl was gone forever.
     It has been almost seven years since Emily passed away.  Seven years is a long time (2,555 days makes it seem even longer).  I can probably name at least 100 things that have drastically changed in my life since then.  I went to middle school, I went to high school.  I played field hockey and tennis.  My parents got divorced.  I went to Europe.  I fell in love.  I lost good friends.  I learned to drive.  I got accepted to colleges.  I got an internship and a job... in a couple months I will be a high school graduate.  These are all things Emily will never get to experience, and they are all things I have taken advantage of and not fully appreciated.
     I have not yet lost anyone incredibly close to me, or experienced death in such a significant way, until hearing of Emily's passing.  It is not something I fully accepted either and was incapable of understanding that someone so young and full of life was truly gone.   It is still difficult for me to believe.  Yet, whenever anyone from school or the community passes away in Colrado, I think I have started to feel it on an extra level.  I feel this loss, and I reminded of Emily.  I am reminded of my young, carefree, yet insightful friend with the bubbly laugh and bright smile.  I am reminded how she lost a battle and was barely given the chance to live.  I am taken back to the moment that I sat on the swing, chewing a piece of bacon while Ryann cried between the both of us and we all held hands in comforting silence.
     I am reminded that life will do whatever it wants to you.  Everything can (and will) change at the drop of a hat.  Life is precious and unpredictable.  Seven years may seem like a long time, but what really is time besides a measurement?  Often times, the best moments of our lives only last a split second, and some people in our lives will leave a mark that is unforgettable.  There is something I will always love about sitting on a swing and feeling the wind rustle my hair, no matter how old I get and how many years pass.  It is a feeling I will never be able to put words to.
     I miss you Emily.  Thank you for being my friend, even if it was for a short time.  This poem reminds me of you, so I bolded my favorite parts.  Thank you for being a part of my life for a little while.  It will always be a special moment in my memory.  Hopefully from this, people will learn to love those they have while they are given the chance.  Until next time xxx.

A Child of Mine by Edgar Albert Guest

I will lend you, for a little time,
A child of mine, He said.
For you to love the while he lives,
And mourn for when he's dead.
It may be six or seven years,
Or twenty-two or three.
But will you, till I call him back,
Take care of him for Me?
He'll bring his charms to gladden you,
And should his stay be brief.
You'll have his lovely memories,
As solace for your grief.
I cannot promise he will stay,
Since all from earth return.
But there are lessons taught down there,
I want this child to learn.
I've looked the wide world over,
In search for teachers true.
And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes,
I have selected you.
Now will you give him all your love,
Nor think the labour vain.
Nor hate me when I come
To take him home again?
I fancied that I heard them say,
'Dear Lord, Thy will be done!'
For all the joys Thy child shall bring,
The risk of grief we'll run.
We'll shelter him with tenderness,
We'll love him while we may,
And for the happiness we've known,
Forever grateful stay.
But should the angels call for him,
Much sooner than we've planned.
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes,
And try to understand.

   
   

Thanks to the Sky

Thanks to the sky, for it taught me how to dream. Thanks to the sky, for it showed me how beautiful reality can be. 

I always find myself looking up to the swirling clouds and sparkling stars. I encourage you to do the same. Isn't it breathtaking? There is something so magical about living under a canopy of stardust. The colors mix seamlessly- blue into pink, orange, purple, and yellow, which melts into black and is studded with twinkling lights. 

The sky doesn't care whether you look at it or not. The sun doesn't only set and rise when people are paying attention. You can be fast asleep, dreaming of another place, and the sun will still rise outside your window, kissing every edge of the world with light. The sun will sink beneath the horizon every afternoon, and in a matter of minutes will completely disappear. 

I think everyone wishes they were as beautiful as the sky. Yet, we are all made from tiny little stars anyways, and they say that soulmates are people made up from the same stars.  While I do not know how true that is, I still find it to be a comforting and lovely thought. Believing that I am part of a star makes me feel strong.  It at least makes me feel as beautiful as the sky. 

And remember, "the sun loved the moon so much, he died every night to let her breathe," and that is most beautiful of all. Until next time xxx. 

Solace

There is something to be said about the little moments in life that bring us comfort through difficult times. Solace is "comfort or consolation in a time of distress or sadness." Honestly, I've been quite distressed and sad for as long as I can remember.  I find moments of happiness and peace when I'm surrounded by those I love and things I love doing. Yet when I'm alone, it all falls apart. Someone will say something that reminds me of another time and I crumble all over again.

But you can't say I'm weak. Maybe I cry and lose my temper and mope around on occasion, but I am not weak. Sad people are not weak. Sad people are sad. They are not weak. They aren't broken humans, but they are a little bent. I hate when people tiptoe around me, or speak negatively of those who are struggling. It is natural to struggle, and it is only human to feel pain. Sometimes, I am grateful to feel the pain, because it reminds me how capable I am of feeling love and joy. 

Writing has been something that has kept me strong and sane for so long. I channel all my feelings and thoughts to words, whether it be from my pen to the paper, or my fingers against a keyboard. I write until the words are so strung together that they no longer make sense.

I am thankful in a way for my hardships, because it has taught me how to help those around me who also hurt. I don't know everything, and luckily I don't know how certain tragedies feel, but I know what it is like to feel empty and lonely. 

No matter how sad I can be at times, I am forever in debt to the things that bring me solace. It is those things that give me life. Until next time xxx. 

Word of 2016

Last year, my word for 2015 was "grace."  This meant to live my life gracefully, be kind to others, and let go of everyone and everything not meant for me with acceptance and gratitude.  This year, my word is "health."  It may not be as lovely as grace, but health in all aspects is important to me this year.  It is my primary focus.  Physical, mental, emotional, social health.  I've been drinking a lot of water, working out, eating cleaner, journaling each day, cutting out toxic people and ending toxic relationships.  I have been spending time with those who lift me up and make me laugh until I cry.  I spend quality time with the people that I love and take time for myself each day.  I am focusing on every aspect of my healthy and already am feeling brighter.  I wish you all a happy new year full of love and prosperity.  Until next time xxx.