The Fault in Our Stars (I Cried). Thanks John Green.

Ah, yes, I am back.  I feel as though I haven't blogged in ages!  Well, tomorrow I am off on my fabulous summer adventure back home to California, so I wanted to make a nice post for you all before I leave… This contains spoilers by the way!
I cracked.  I gave in.  I am now "basic."  I read John Green's bestseller, The Fault in Our Stars.  It was different than I expected.  It's a love story focused on two cancer ridden teenagers, but it's hardly about cancer at all.  It's just about Augustus Waters and Hazel Grace Lancaster and how they fell irrevocably in love with each other.  It had me laughing, crying, and in great denial.  Do I regret ever reading it?  Perhaps.  Don't get me wrong, I'm so glad I did, but I'm incredibly heartbroken.  Yet, reading it also filled me with an outrageous amount of hope and love.  It's quite beautiful.    Page 258 had me choking back tears, and page 259 truly hit me with all this love and sadness.  When I read page 261, it's like the world fell apart around me.  It was an excellent read.  John Green has this incredible gift that I can hardly explain ("my thoughts are stars I can't fathom into constellations").  He isn't a particularly young man; he has a family after all.  Yet, he is able to sound 110% like a teenage girl, and he writes with the emotions I imagine a teen with cancer would possess.
Recently, I saw the most pathetic post on Tumblr and it truly made me lose all faith in humanity for a moment.  This post was a comment from the trailer for The Fault in Our Stars on YouTube.  It essentially read "I wish I had cancer so I could have a love like Gus and Hazel."
Really?  Really?  You wish you had cancer?  What a wish.  But the world isn't a wish granting factory, you know.  What a horrible wish.  It disgusted me.  The story isn't all about cancer.  It is about unconditional love and how it can come into life unexpectedly.  I think if the cancer element in the story teaches us anything, it should be that we have no time to lose.  We are only given a set amount of time to live and before we know it our time is up.  It all runs out so why not just live and love with everything you've got?  Life is such a freaking incredible thing.  I feel so lucky to have been given a life to live.  I would never wish for cancer in order to find love.
Anyways, I am glad I finally read it.  I now understand what all the hype is about.  It wasn't my favorite book (The Beautiful Between is still #1), but I would definitely read it again (I sort of read it twice).
The movie was a pretty good adaptation I would say.  At least 4 out of 5 stars for sure.  Shailene Woodley portrayed Hazel Grace Lancaster pretty well.  She was weak and depressed in the beginning, but by the end she was full of so much love.  I rooted for her the entire time.  Of course, I rooted for Augustus Waters as well.  If only he was real, because the character himself was truly something else.  Ansel Elgort was perfect for the role because he is youthful and seems to always be smiling much like Augustus.  Together, everything just played out wonderfully on screen.
Hazel has a passion for the book An Imperial Affliction, by Peter Van Houten.  She has Augustus read it, and he too finds it enjoyable.  Yet, there is something that bothers both of them.  This book has no "the end." or "they all lived happily ever after."  It simply ends in the middle of the sentence.  But that's how life goes.  You could literally or figuratively die in the middle of a sentence.  It is just reality and that in itself makes me want to live each day like it's my last.  When Hazel and Augustus travel to Amsterdam to meet this Peter Van Houten, he tells them nothing.  But, after Augustus dies, Van Houten comes to Indianapolis for the funeral.  It's bizarre, but he does it because Augustus had been writing to him before his death.  Peter Van Houten tells Hazel that nothing happens to the other characters after the main character in the story dies (hence it ending in the middle of the sentence).  He explains that they are not real characters.  Nothing happens to them because they cease to exist.  They never truly existed in the first place.  They were just words on a piece of paper.  The real world is so much different than that.  When we die, our loved ones continue to have lives.  The world continues because this world is quite real.  It is an extremely interesting concept.
One final concept I want to touch on is the character of Isaac.  He is best friends with Augustus and becomes a friend to Hazel throughout the story.  Isaac goes blind due to his cancer.  He doesn't have any eyes in his head anymore, and at the pre-funeral for Augustus, he says when the doctors of the future bring him robot eyes, he will tell them to piss off because he doesn't want to see a world without Augustus Waters in it.  It's possibly one of my favorite parts in the book because it is simply about undying friendship.  He cares so much for this one person that he could not possibly imagine seeing a world where he doesn't exist.  Isaac loves Augustus so much.  Hazel is so in love with Augustus.  They are two very different concepts but they are both incredibly beautiful.
It is a special story to read because it is just very real.

 

The Hype of Summer

There is a lot of hype surrounding summer.  All the summer clothes sales, vacations, parties, etc.  Finally, the true excitement is setting in for me.  In one week I will be embarking on another great adventure.  I'm going back home to the Golden State, California (in case you didn't already know it was the golden state).  With a pit stop in Vegas and a couple day stay in Disneyland, it's already destined for greatness.  I've never been to Vegas, so I'm excited to walk the strip (even though it'll be over one hundred degrees), eat a nice lunch, and explore the grand hotels before continuing on to Anaheim.
The first night in Anaheim, we will just walk around Downtown Disney for a few hours.  That is usually what we've always done on trips to the Disney parks.  Then we will spend two days in Disneyland/California Adventure and celebrate my dad's birthday.
I just love Disney.  It truly is the happiest, most magical place on earth.  Even though Disney World is incredible and HUGE, I still love that Disneyland and California Adventure are right next to each other.  They practically blend into one another.  Disneyland will always hold a special place in my heart and I can not wait to walk down Main Street once more.
When we leave Disneyland, we will be driving up to the Bay Area, my true home.  We will grab food at some hot spots in LA and walk around Hollywood for a couple hours.  Hollywood is practically the heart of America's glamour.  I just know it'll be wonderful.  After a busy few days it's home to the Bay Area to see all my family and old friends.  
4th of July in San Francisco is about as American as it gets and we will even eat at the best pizza place in the entire WORLD.  It was voted for by a bunch of fancy people, so I'm having high expectations.  I'll see my cousins who are also coming home all the way from Europe.  Some visits to the beach and all our old favorite restaurants and destinations are going to happen as well.
Perhaps the most important thing that will happen while in California and over the entire summer is the celebration of my 16th birthday.  Finally, I'll be old enough to be the junior that I'm soon to be.  I plan to watch Sixteen Candles and be a cliche like that.  It's just a given.  
The day after my birthday is the massive family reunion.  I haven't been to a real one in years.  It should be great and fun and misadventurous as always. 
Then it's home again, but for now I'm going to relish this week in Colorado with friends.  I'm going to enjoy sleeping in my bed while I can and just cuddling my dog before we head out.

When I do get home, I'll be getting my wisdom teeth out.  How exciting is that?  I am going to eat all the food I can in California (a place with 10000x better food than Colorado).  Until next time xxx.

Enjoy a lovely collection of California pictures (some from years ago, others from just last year):

cousins

me the day before we moved to Colorado.  I'd say my face accurately describes the situation (ft. my cousin).

hiking in the pretty hills.

sums up my life= awkward.

became a big sister.

My days in California brought out my inner Helen Keller (it was for a school project).

our favorite Indian restaurant.

Halloween (notice how tan I was in October.  Yeah.  Miss that.)

old friends, Heather and Taryn, at a Halloween school parade.

cousins and siblings.

we were kind of matching.

school days.

DISNEYLAND

CALIFORNIA ADVENTURE.

Winnie the Pooh, Winnie the Pooh,
A tubby, little cubby all stuffed with fluff.
He's Winnie the Pooh, Winnie the Pooh,
A willy, nilly, silly old bear.

Goofy got my hand!

always a fun time at UC Berkeley. 

as a child, I built a nest in this tree for a mouse.

grandfather & granddaughter 

photoshoot with my lovely mother

cousins and a giant telephone from Kate Spade 

my old school 

DISNEY (world I think.  Whoops).

the trip will be a bigger party than this fun sombrero.  

The Miracle Twins

I originally wrote this for my journalism class.  It's meant to be in a column or something like that, so it's somewhat short.  Our teacher gave us fifteen minutes to write about something that changed our lives.  I wrote about my brothers and now I'm presenting you with The Miracle Twins… 

I was an only child for as long as I could remember.  It was almost nine years of just me and my parents, living our quiet lives.  I did not mind it that much, except lots of my friends often had fun younger sisters, or protective older brothers.  A part of me longed for a relationship like that, but I was adored by my grandparents and I felt like the most special kid in the world.  

The saddest part was that my mom was not physically capable of having any more kids, so my young self had coped with the fact that I would always be an only child. I managed just fine, often surrounded by adults or friends from school and my ballet studio. I never thought my life would change, and at this time my mom was having some odd health problems, so one day she took me to the doctors with her.

I remember it like yesterday.  I had a Junie B. Jones book with me and I sat beside my mom in the hospital room. My name is Junie B. Jones...  She was extremely tired, and given an ultrasound.  The 'B' stands for Beatrice. Except I don't like Beatrice...  I suddenly remember the nurse getting a giant smile on her face and gasping a little, interrupting my reading. I just like B and that's all.  I closed my book and sat up in my chair.

“Wow.  Wow.  This is unbelievable.  Congratulations!”

“What?”  My mom said drowsily.

“There are two here.”

“Two what?” My mom’s eyes began to close.

“You’re pregnant with twins,” the nurse explained patiently.

I shot up out of my chair, “She’s what?”

“I’m what?” my mom sat up.

I was utterly shocked.  My mom was not supposed to have any more children, let alone twins.  It was some of the most amazing news I had ever heard.

The pregnancy took off.  My mother had the weirdest cravings and would cook my father and I the most fattening food I had ever eaten.  My grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, were all beyond themselves with happiness in anticipation for the arrival of my new siblings.

I remember hearing about their gender.  I was at a friends house after school, and my parents had come to pick me up.

“Isabel, guess what?” My dad asked as I climbed in the car.

“I’m having two little sisters?!”  I squealed, buckling myself into the back seat.

“No!  You’re going to have two little brothers!” My mom smiled at me from the front seat, “Isn’t that exciting?”

I burst into tears, wailing and screaming.  It was the worst news ever.  Two brothers?  Are you kidding me?  I wanted younger sisters!  I bawled for the rest of the evening, moping about how my life was officially over.  

Once, during the pregnancy, I eavesdropped on my mom’s conversation with one of her friends.  My mom was crying.  They were discussing how one of the twins probably would not survive. The birth of twins is always more complicated, and usually one doesn't survive.  I can remember sitting in my room in silence.  Even though I was not excited about younger brothers, I could not imagine one of them dying.

But, as God would have it, my mom gave birth to two young boys late on the night of February 15, 2007. They were a few weeks premature, but they were alive and to me they were perfect.  I can remember holding them in my arms for the first time, and at that moment I did not know how I had lived so long without them.  I don’t know what changed in me when they were born, but I’ve never loved two people more than I love my little brothers, the miracle twins.

…the end…

Until next time xxx.

Lessons I've Taught Myself

Everyday we learn new things whether we realize it or not.  Throughout the beginning of summer I've learned certain things that I've had to teach myself.  These are the sorts of things no one can really teach you and you just have to accept them yourself.
For one, I've learned that you can not rely on anyone or anything at all.  When it comes to life, you're on your own and being independent is very important.  You won't get far at all if you never stand alone sometimes.  Of course, it's essential to have people who love you around, but know when it's time to walk out on your own.  You should never need a particular person in your life in order to be happy.  Happiness lies within yourself.  
A second thing I've learned is that you have to believe in a set of values.  There has to be something you live your life by, and other things that you disagree with.  It's also important to accept that not everyone will agree with you, but that doesn't mean you have to dislike them.  If you stand for nothing, you'll fall for anything.
Another thing I've learned that's changed the way I feel in general is that you can be whoever and whatever you want.  If you don't like something about your body, change it.  If you aren't optimizing your happiness then change what you are doing in life.  Set goals for yourself and aim for the stars because just think about all the incredible things you are capable of.  We are all these incredible human beings and capable of so much.  Why not take advantage of the great opportunities we're given?
Finally, I've learned to just accept where I am.  I can't change my age, so wishing to be older and longing to be a little kid again at the same time serves no purpose.  All the people who are in my life right now are here for a reason.  All the people who've left my life just aren't meant to be in it anymore.  Sometimes it's difficult to understand, but I somehow just took a deep breath and moved on.  Clinging onto the past and all it's unhappy memories have done nothing for me.  Yet, I have learned important lessons from all the people in the past, but that's a different story.  Right now, my life is exactly where it's supposed to be, and so is yours.  
I know this post was sort of long and a little heavy, so I'm going to do a second post today. Those few things I taught myself and it's changed my life.  I hope you actually think about them a little bit and really take it to heart.  Stay happy because you're wonderful.  Until next time xxx.

The Beauty All Around

I've said it once and I'll say it again: How is anyone supposed to love you if you can not love yourself first?
I get it.  It's all understandable to me.  As humans we seek out our flaws and can dwell on them more than the wonderful qualities we posses.  It hurts me when I break myself down with harsh criticism and it hurts me even more to know that so many others do the exact same things.
An idea has been created.  It is a sickening idea and it is that beauty is somehow a tangible thing.  In reality, beauty is just an idea that has been formed in our heads.  Here's my own idea: there is no specific definition of beauty.  
Of course, in the dictionary there is a solid definition and it is: 
beauty, noun:

1.

the quality present in a thing or person that gives intense pleasure or deep satisfaction to the mind, whether arising from sensory manifestations (as shape,color, sound, etc.), a meaningful design or pattern, or something else (as a personality in which high spiritual qualities are manifest).  

Now it is true.  There are beautiful things that exist.  Satisfying things are out there but that apparently is all that "beauty" consists of.  Nature is beautiful, literature is beautiful, dance is beautiful, music is beautiful… people are beautiful.  So much is beautiful.  Everyone and everything has beauty.  That may sound like a cliche sort of statement, but it still isn't said enough.  No matter how many times it is said people will still define certain things as beautiful and certain things as ugly. 

I think that beauty is all around.  Look at the mountains how they are covered in trees.  Fog hangs over them and it' s beautiful.  Look at how a rainbow stretches across the sky after a rain storm.  It is beautiful.  The soft snow falling out your window as you sleep under a heap of blankets.  Startlingly beautiful.  The way the ocean waves kiss the shore is beautiful.  You can close your eyes and hear the rush of the expansive sea and it is beautiful.  The birds that sing and flowers that bloom are all beautiful.  That lovely waterfall that cascades into a rushing river is beautiful.  The way your dog knows when you are sad and licks your hand even after you punished him just that morning is beautiful.  The sunsets and sunrises are beautiful because they represent a day of your life that has passed.  A day in the world has gone by and you've lived through it.  Isn't that beautiful?  A butterfly is beautiful because it is strong.  It is so small and fragile, yet it is able to fly itself across the sky.  Trees are beautiful.  They are planted in one place and can not move, yet they never complain.  They are content on where they've been planted and they grow into strong and magnificent living creatures.  They even clean the air for the same people that will later chop them down and that is beautiful thing.  

Those are all natural things that posses beauty.  There are millions of beautiful things in nature I didn't even mention.  They surround us everyday and are sometimes never appreciated.  Yet aren't they beautiful?  Then there are feelings.  I find feelings to be particularly beautiful things… 
The sound of a crying baby is beautiful because that baby is alive.  A new person has arrived in the world and has endless possibilities ahead.  The sound of laughter is the most beautiful sound in the world.  It's more beautiful than the most peaceful melody.  Laughter is your own perfect song.  Smiles are beautiful and words can be beautiful.  Whether the words are spoken off a gentle tongue or written on a worn piece of paper does not matter.  They are still beautiful.  Being sad is beautiful because it means your heart is tender enough to care.  Being elated and beaming is just as beautiful because it shows that even after you've been sad, you know how to find happiness again.  Having a broken heart is beautiful, because it means you were able to risk yourself for someone else's love.  Even though they let you down, you were strong enough to try in the first place.  Being bold and brave is beautiful because it goes to show that you know the stakes but are willing to try anything once.  Being shy is beautiful because it represents how much you care for yourself and will do anything to protect your own being.  Love is my second favorite emotion.  It is extremely beautiful because loving unconditionally takes a lot of courage.  Spreading the love is the only way to make the world go round.  That and hope.  Hope is the definition of beauty because having hope means that no matter what, you believe in yourself and in life.  In joyous moments and dour times, you know that hope is the small light peeking out of the darkness.  Nothing can be quite as beautiful as that.

Finally, I find beauty in personal appearances.  In the early 1900s, a woman was beautiful if she was bound in a corset and had a neck breaking hat a top her head.  A man was attractive if he dressed in the finest suits.  In the 50s, beauty was defined by starlet Marilyn Monroe, and other ladies with similar figures.  A full body was the definition of beauty then.  Today, the tables have turned.  Runway models, celebrities, and almost anyone considered "beautiful" is incredibly thin, and as Tina Fey said best, "Now every girl is expected to have Caucasian blue eyes, full Spanish lips, a classic button nose, hairless Asian skin with a California tan, a Jamaican dance hall ass, long Swedish legs, small Japanese feet, the abs of a lesbian gym owner, the hips of a nine-year-old boy, the arms of Michelle Obama, and doll tits."  There is an impossible standard of beauty that time has created.  I love that quote from Tina Fey so much because it is just beyond true.  It is sickening once you see it all put together because it is honestly near impossible to achieve.  No one is birthed from their mother's womb looking that way.  I find beauty in different qualities because you know what's truly beautiful?  The way a person's eyes light up when they talk about someone or something they love.  That' s beautiful.  I don't care if the eyes are poop brown or violet like Elizabeth Taylor's.  They are beautiful.  I think the way someone smiles after hearing good news or talking to someone they love is what's beautiful.  Are your teeth pearly white and as straight as can be?  Congratulations.  If your teeth are yellowed and crooked, congratulations on that, too.  You're alive and you're smiling and that is beautiful.  I think it's beautiful how people run their hands through their hair if they are nervous.  Gray hair is beautiful because is shows that you've lived and you've been blessed with the opportunity to grow old.  Long hair is beautiful because it shows dedication and patience and short hair is beautiful because it shows that you style your hair however you please.  The way your hair looks right when you wake up in the most beautiful because that is natural and real.  The way your nose is bent because you broke it when you were eight years old is beautiful.  There is a story behind that broken nose and goes to show you had an adventurous childhood.  The stretch marks across a mother's stomach are beautiful, even though she may find them to be an embarrassment.  For nine months a vulnerable being found safety within her womb, and her body was able to change itself simply to house and keep it alive.  Your scars are the most beautiful thing on your body.  No one on earth has a scar just like you and they make you unbelievably unique and interesting.  One day, I want to hear how you got that scar on your hand or on your leg.  I'll tell you this quick story:  I have a scar on my left hand, between my thumb and pointer finger.  I was baking cookies several months ago for my family.  It was my special chocolate chip recipe and I was so excited to serve them with a glass of milk as it rained outside.  As I was pulling the sheet from the oven, the mitt slipped and a small spot on my hand was burnt.  I rinsed it with cool water and prayed it wouldn't scar.  It scabbed over, and now there is a slight, faded scar.  I love that scar and would you like to know why?  (even if you don't I'm telling you anyway).  I love it because the scar came to be through a loving act.  I was baking my family a sweet treat of cookies when the sheet burnt my hand, and somehow I find that to be extremely beautiful.

So, let this all be a reminder.  The things you hate about yourself are things others don't even notice.  One day, someone special will notice but they will love you anyway.  You may not be "model thin."  Sometimes you may feel fat.  But you are BEAUTIFUL.  Your body has enough food to eat and that in itself is something to be grateful for.  Would you rather have the problem of eating too much, or living in a place where you have no food to eat at all?  Be happy with the life you have been given.  Appreciate your "flaws" and understand that no one is perfect.  We are all flawed, no matter how hard we try to cover it up.  This messed up idea of  "beauty" is only skin deep.  Remember all those emotions and how beautiful they are.  Think beautiful thoughts and always have hope.  Never change who you are just to fit this standard society has placed before us.  

I am close to tears as I conclude this lengthy post, because I am overwhelmed with the beauty that surrounds me.  I am so grateful for it all and am vowing to appreciate it more.  I know sometimes I will still frown because of my physical flaws, but I am promising to remind myself that I am beautiful.  Remind yourself how beautiful you are, too, won't you?  As I walk my dog I will appreciate the beauty in nature.  As my brothers scream and cry, awaking me from sleep, I will remember to be grateful that they are healthy, safe, and with me.  When my parents frustrate me, I will remember that because of them I am on this earth and no one will ever love me more than they do.  Unconditional love is one of the beautiful things.  I promise you that you are very, very beautiful.  The most beautiful things lay within your heart.  Love yourself first and all the love in the world will follow and be poured upon you with grace.  You're beautiful.  The world is beautiful.  We are all beautiful.  Always remember that.  Until next time xxx.

The Gift of Summer

Summer is a gift and a beautiful one at that.  It allows room for so many opportunities and endless possibilities.  Small things from watching tv, movies, reading, writing, hanging out with friends, and bigger things such as traveling.  It's like a wonderful adventure and it is certainly a gift.
This summer I have been reading a lot.  I stumbled across some great books and some not so great.  I've also tried to get inspired to write and I've done a little of that.  I've shopped, hung out with friends and family, and of course tanned.  Yet the adventures are only just beginning.  This summer I am going to be celebrating my 16th birthday (finally!) and traveling back home to the golden state.  A trip to Disneyland and Hollywood is in my future as well. 
I have so much excitement and I am also so exhausted from the long year that passed.  This break is much deserved and appreciated.  I love knowing that there is nothing I must absolutely accomplish.  It's a thought that frees my mind.
There are all these wonderful experiences in store, yet it does not even quite feel like summer.  Perhaps that has something to do with it only have been a week so far, but the weather is sort of dreary.  There has been a lot of lightening and thunder storms along with torrential downpour.  I long to sit on a beach and let the tide wash over my feet.  There is nothing quite as therapeutic as sand covering my feet.  Until next time xxx.

“Because there's nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline, no matter how many times it's sent away.”

P.S. I'm thinking of including a quote that relates to each post at the end to keep things interesting.  I particularly love the quote above from Sarah Key.