To all the moments I thought I would have more of, I miss you already.
I have to start by recognizing my own good fortune. Life, while it has not always been smooth sailing, has not been so bad either. I have always had a safe home, food on the table, clean clothes, and fresh water. I have taken numerous vacations and am about to graduate college. These are typically all the things I take for granted, and yet I have realized just how fortunate I truly am to have what I have always considered such basic necessities. Lately, with all of the recent events unfolding, I realize I have spent a lot of time feeling sad, anxious, and angry. Of course there is much uncertainty, but I am taking a step back to reflect on all that I do have to be thankful for. While this is a tumultuous time, I know it will pass.
The whole world is hurting and my heart aches for everyone who is suffering during this uncertain moment in time. People have lost their livelihoods and loved ones. There is a pandemic and it has been ruining so much for so many. I don’t want to underplay the severity of this crisis, because I fully understand how so many people across the world are hurting beyond repair. While this is in part about the virus that has upended lives, it is also about my many feelings on graduating college soon. I always planned to write about my college experience and to take time to reflect on all that has happened, but I have to address all that is simultaneously happening across the globe. I hope you all are safe and healthy and doing everything to stay that way.
As a college senior, this is an especially painful time and I have been feeling so discouraged. The reality is slowly setting in that I have to say goodbye to a place that has given me so much. It is time to say goodbye to a place that I was not ready to let go of. Enough lessons and friendships to last a lifetime. I knew that this chapter would come to a close eventually, but I thought there was some more time. Then again, we always think we are going to have more time. Sometimes, we only get a moment.
The past four years have built me up, broken me down, and completely changed the way I view myself and the world. Going to CSU was the greatest decision I ever made. I was determined to leave the state after high school and go anywhere else, as long as I did not have to stay in Colorado. It turns out that staying here was the best choice and I truly feel like I had a fulfilling college experience. I know not everyone can say the same, so for that alone I am so grateful. I was taught by some of the most intelligent, inspiring professors and was gifted with some of the kindest, funniest friends. I have been given more than I ever anticipated when I first moved in to the dorms that hot August day in 2016. The feeling that day was surreal, and I certainly never expected for time to evaporate the way it has. There are so many moments I would love to go back to, just so I could experience that level of joy again. Moments turned in to memories that I will hold on to forever. I had been wanting to write about my college experience for awhile, and decided there was no better time than right now.
From the unbearable dining hall food to the inevitable anxiety that came the morning of a major exam. From blasting music in the dorms while curling my hair before a frat party, to movie marathons in twin XL beds on snowy days. Moving in to my first apartment was a day I won’t soon forget. Finally having the comfort of my own space made me feel like a real adult (yeah, right). The late nights with friends making Jell-O shots, binge watching Hallmark Christmas movies, or walking down the block to 7-11 for last minute snacks. Writing papers until my head nearly hit the keyboard and waking up early to catch the bus before I was late. From waving to friends in Clark to wondering if the ceiling might just collapse during lecture in that mess of a building. Junior year was spent just dreaming about how it would feel to turn 21. Turning 21 was a blur, but the countless nights out afterwards are some of the best. Bondi Vegas Bombs and Coffee Bombs at Lucky Joe’s. You knew you went too far when the lights came on in Rec Room and that you would definitely have a headache in the morning. Grabbing a drink and appetizer at Social, or sitting on the grass outside of New Belgium are some of the simple pleasures in life. All the outings we never thought twice about are the ones we are going to miss the most.
There were the beginnings of beautiful new friendships, and the ends of ones I thought would last forever. There were times I was certain I knew exactly what I wanted to do in the future, and the next second completely doubt all of my plans.
All the simple, everyday moments are the ones we always end up taking for granted. I would give anything to sit under the shade of a tree in the Oval or to have lunch with friends in the LSC. You don’t realize how much you had until you miss being yelled at by the religious extremists in the Plaza, or being asked for the millionth time if you have registered to vote. I will miss grabbing a drink (or two) in the Skellar after classes and listening to music on the bus after a long day. I wish I could go drop in my favorite professors’ office hours and stop by to thank my advisors for their much needed guidance the past four years.
Because you never think the last time is the last time. You expect to wake up and that everything will be the same as when your head hit the pillow the night before. Suddenly, the definition of reality has changed and you’re left hoping you won’t forget all the moments that made you feel alive.
I worked for four years to earn two degrees. It’s an accomplishment I have been looking forward to celebrating for a long time. While I am proud of myself, I was so excited to walk across the stage in front of my family and receive my diploma because I wanted to make them even prouder. I wanted to pop champagne in the Oval with my closest friends, the feeling of summer hanging in the air around us.
But, life has other plans. Commencement has been postponed to December, but I had been counting on walking in May so I could begin the next chapter of my life fully and completely. Yes, we are still graduating, but it feels like something has been taken away from me and my fellow (almost) graduates. Graduating from college is a once in a lifetime moment and major achievement. No one expected for things to end this way.
Now, there is a ridiculous toilet paper shortage and good luck trying to find hand sanitizer. Walking in to the grocery store is eerie, the shelves bare. It is surreal, especially because it is something I never thought I would live to see. All restaurants and bars are closed for at least 30 days, along with salons, spas, and many retail stores. It’s recommended to stay inside and avoid crowded places. My friends and I cancelled our spring break trip to Southern California and graduations across the country are being cancelled. Italy is on a national lockdown and several states in America are beginning to follow suit. Schools across the world are transitioning to online courses. Not only are college students completing classes online, but elementary schoolers are having to adjust as well. It feels like life should be on pause, but nothing is slowing down. I just know when I tell my kids about this someday, they definitely won’t believe me. Everything is changing so rapidly that it almost feels impossible to keep up. Many people are working from home or out of jobs. Airports feel deserted and there is hardly any traffic. In a matter of weeks, everything has changed. I can not think of a single person I know who has not been directly impacted by this, which creates a sense of unity. At least there is some beauty to be found even in the darkest of times.
Though our time in school has ended much sooner than we had hoped, the memories are here to stay. I know I have enough to last a lifetime. We will get through this and in the meantime, instead of focusing on what has been lost, let’s hold on to what we still have.
Until next time, xxx.
Until next time, xxx.
