a. If I write about this, I will cry.
b. If I write about this, I will be sad.
c. If I write about this, I will feel the hole in my heart that I have been trying to fill.
d. If I write about this, I will remember everything I want to forget.
e. If I write about this, I will maybe drown in my tears.
f. If I write about this, I will feel regret.
g. If I write about this, I will be lonelier than ever
h. If I write about this, I will never stop writing about this.
i. If I write about this, I will forget how to breathe.
j. If I write about this, it will become real.
J reasons, J for Jacques, J for the one I lost. My pup.
I haven't known how to write about Jacques because I do not think that enough words exist to describe how I feel. Nothing will suffice. My love for Jacques is never ending. Losing him was losing a part of myself. Jacques was with me from 5th grade until my freshman year of college.
Imagine how much can happen in those eight years, and multiply it by a million. Then add the number of people you've dated and your grandma's age. That's how much Jacques and I went through together. Multiply that by ten. Exactly. The answer for how much Jacques and I went through together: a lot. He was always by my side, and somehow he always knew when I needed him to sit by me or lick away my tears. When I was celebrating, he was excited too. When I was ready for bed, he would curl up beside me. Jacques just knew. That's the special quality animals possess that humans never will. Sometimes you have the people in your life that just get it, but a lot of times you have to spell things out for your friends and family. Jacques always just knew. What I really hope, especially now, is that he knows how much I love him. I desperately need him to know that I will never forget him and never let him go. He will stay in my heart forever.
My best friend. Jacques was a funny guy. When he wanted attention, he would paw at us. He would paw gently, but enough to get our attention. When he was sitting beside you, a part of him always had to be touching a part of you. He would howl when the home phone would ring, chase bunnies out of the yard, and growl at any dog 10 times his size. I swear he thought he was a wolf. When Jacques lifted his leg to pee once, he lifted it too high and fell over. I couldn't stop laughing. One Christmas, he ate a bunch of bubble gum from my stocking and we were all sent in to a panic, worried that he would burp massive bubbles. Jacques ate an already dead mouse from outside when he was a puppy. I turned to look at him, and a gross tail was hanging from his mouth, so naturally I screamed. My poor brothers. I couldn't tell you how many times Jacques would snatch one of their sandwiches during lunch. My parents weren't too fond of dogs and I never expected them to love Jacques the way they did. Sometimes, I swore they liked him more than they liked me (after all, he never had an attitude). Jacques and my mom would always sit together and Jacques would follow my dad like his shadow. He was their fourth, furry child. It was impossible not to love him.
While we loved Jacques and he loved us, Jacques also loved his chewy bones and his bed. Sometimes, he would prefer to lay right in a sunny patch of carpet or hardwood floor. I was always worried he would catch on fire in the winter, because he would lay right by the fireplace.
Nothing made my heart more at peace than hearing him sigh right before he fell asleep. I'm tearing up just remembering the sound; the innocence and peace. I miss him. When he was a puppy and we brought him home, he could hardly get down a small step. He was a little ball of cotton and I was automatically smitten. My brothers were terrified of the tiny but adorable creature that had moved in.
Jacques, that dog. He would always end up wandering in to the bathroom, but the door would shut behind him and he would whine until we let him out. I don't know what his issue was, but for a period he would go around peeing in the house. It was absolutely terrible and I was always so annoyed. I would have to scrub at the carpet with dish soap and water, cursing the whole time, but not even being angry with Jacques because I knew he didn't mean any harm. I would give anything to have that back.
Isn't it funny? We always lose things, but it's only when we lose something we know we can never get back that we really feel it. I know I won't get Jacques back in my lifetime. I know I can't replace him, and I wouldn't want to. Who knows if I will ever be ready for another dog, but I definitely want my children (one day in many years) to experience the love that I have for Jacques. I want a dog to love my children the way that Jacques loved me.
My dad asked me what I will tell my children when they get a dog. He asked what I have learned from having Jacques in my life. I didn't know how to answer his question at first, but now I think I do. One day, when my husband and I bring a dog in to our home for our children, I will tell them this:
"Kids, you have to appreciate this little one with everything in you. Sadly, dogs are angels on earth, but God misses his angels and eventually will want them back. We are only blessed with them for a short time, so it is important to love them with everything you have and always be kind to them. This dog will love you as much as your parents do. You will be this dog's entire world. Their life depends on you. The moments you share with this dog will become memories that will last a life time. Their love for you is unconditional and out of this world. Remember how it feels in this moment to have something as special as this."
That is what I will want them to know. I wish everyone understood the powerful bond shared between human and pet. It is truly indescribable. Like I said, words will never suffice. Jacques saved me and showed me genuine love. Jacques taught me a lot of things:
1. Even with a limp, you can still strut in style.
2. Take some time to nap in the sun.
3. Let the wind blow through your hair.
4. Always love unconditionally.
5. Fear less.
6. Be loyal.
7. Remember your roots.
8. Put family first.
9. Find joy in simple moments.
10. Enjoy the outdoors.
11. Show the ones you love how much you care.
12. Say hello and goodbye.
13. Don't allow distance to change true feelings.
14. Never forget the ones you love.
15. Protect those close to you,
16. Stand your ground, even when you're feeling small.
17. Accept affection.
18. Be grateful for what you've been given.
19. Comfort those in need.
20. Never hold a grudge/always forgive
Jacques may have been only eight when he was taken from us, but I swear he was wiser than any human will ever be. He really did just understand. He also showed me that life is precious and that we are not guaranteed anything in this life, especially not time. Everything could change tomorrow, so live your life richly. I am working on trying my best to simply be. Be in the moment. Be here, wherever here may be. You never know what life may throw your way.
Thank you to Jacques for showing me this love and for teaching me how to be a better person. I appreciate the world around me more because of you.
He truly did teach me how to see beauty in life and find value in simple moments.
Time goes by fast, I know that now more than ever. Sometimes, in just a blink, it's gone.
Jacques has made my heart full. Even though a piece of it feels empty now that he is gone, I know I would have been incomplete without him in my life. We may have been different species, but our souls were one in the same. I can never thank Jacques enough for loving me. Nothing made me happier than walking in to my house and having him greet me, whether I had been gone a couple hours or a couple of weeks. He put a smile on my face on the cloudiest of days. I know my life would not be the same without him, and I would not be who I am today if I had not had eight years with him.
"If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever."
I love you Jacques. I miss you. I am sorry we are not together, but know that you live on in my heart and this will remain true until we meet again. I love you forever and nothing will change that. Thank you for loving me, too.
Until next time xxx.
