Elania

There was a girl once, a girl I never knew, and her name was Elania. I never met her, or saw her in real life, but she was in my grade, at a school just miles away. She was at a school I had friends at. She was at a school where, a year earlier, a boy ran in with a gun, claiming the life of one girl, and robbing the innocence from everyone else. Elania went to a school that had gone through a great deal. 

I never heard her laugh, or saw her smile with friends. I never saw her be angry or sad. But I wish I somehow could have the opportunity to meet her, tell her she's worth it, and tell her I care. 

Elania took her own life in late January. Twitter flooded with grief and condolences. There were whispers and tears shed. On Monday night, candles lot up the soccer fields of the high school she used to play for. I never knew Elania, so I'm not going to type away about how much I miss her. I will not say anything about her specifically, because I never had the chance to know her. 

Yet I do know one thing about Elania and it's that she should still be alive. She was my age. Young and full of life, with years ahead of her... Full of possibility. She held potential in her hands. But like all important things seem to do, she broke. 

She gave in to pain, and no longer felt needed in this beautiful world.

I still cried when I heard the news of her suicide. Didn't even know her, yet I couldn't stop the tears. It reminds me of when, during my freshman year, a girl in my class commited suicide as well. I cried about that for days and I hadn't known her either. But I knew she walked the same halls as me and was supposed to graduate in my class. 

There were lives there. Lives that could have achieved anything, and souls that could've touched the world. Now it's too late, and a small part of me will always feel mildly guilty. If only I had been their friends. Maybe they wouldn't have felt so alone. Maybe I could somehow have stopped this tragedy. 

I know almost every one has thought of suicide. It's not always serious, or attempted, but the thought of "what if I was gone?" Has crossed my mind before. Who would truly care if I was gone? Who would be genuinely impacted by my absence? Would anyone notice? Would I stop hurting?

Then I hear someone laugh or a bird chirp or my favorite song. I feel the sunlight soak into my pores, sand under my toes, or a fresh breeze rustle my hair. I smell freshly baked cookies, vanilla, or a blossoming flower. I cuddle with my dog under the blankets on a snowy night. I watch a classic movie. I spend time with my friends and family. I feel life all around and I remember. 

I was given my one life. I must live it until my time is up. The world may not always be kind to us, but we can choose to still be kind to the world. 

Nothing is ever as bad as it seems in the moment and no pain is permanent. 

Oh how I wish I could have been there to tell Elania she was loved. There is no problem that can not be solved, but claiming a life is irreversible. 

While it is too late to bring Elania back, and I can not go jumping off every bridge or hiding every pill bottle to rescue people, I can spread love and sensitivity. 

I can be kind and tolerant. Loving. Loving. Loving. I can be loving. I can make people feel loved and accepted, because that is all anyone really wants anyways.

So, I am sorry to Elania and her family. I hope she may rest in peace and that one day her loved ones can find comfort. Spread the love please. You can never tell someone you love and care about them enough. You are loved. Until next time xxx.