High school goes by faster than I could've ever imagined. Four years really isn't that long, but it sure felt like my entire life. Graduation season approaches and suddenly everything is different. The world has seemingly changed over night. I will spend summer not knowing how to define myself. I'm not in high school, but also not in college. I'm awkwardly in the middle and waiting for what is next. You are going to make some questionable and downright terrible decisions over the summer. Just admit when you screw up, this whole thing is a part of growing up. Don't make the same mistakes twice.
Leaving for college is something you'll never forget and move in day is a complete blur. So much is going on and there are people everywhere and you're so ready to be here but also so ready to go home and crawl in to bed. There is music and laughing and tears of goodbyes and you wonder if this is somehow the beginning of the rest of your life.
First semester is challenging and at least once a day you wonder if you'll make it out alive or at least with your sanity. You'll walk more than ever and swear your feet will fall right off your body. The endless hours of staying up long past midnight to complete an assignment really takes a toll on you. Some professors will make you roll your eyes so hard they get stuck in the back of your head. Some will teach with such enthusiasm that you'll actually look forward to class.
It's fine to cry sometimes and feel homesick beyond belief. You'll FaceTime your parents and wish you could be right next to them. Your brothers will shout hellos to you over the phone and your heart will ache with the longing to squeeze them in a big embrace. You'll FaceTime your dog on his birthday with happy tears running down your face. I'm laughing as a I write this now with some tears in my eyes because I see how much I took for granted growing up. It's the littlest things you will end up missing the most.
Trump will be become president (yes the reality star will become president) and you'll truly contemplate dropping everything and moving to London because you loved it so much there anyways. The day after the election comes and campus is eerily quiet. For the most part, you're surrounded by like minded thinkers. People who believe in a woman's right to choose, protecting our planet, and helping those in need. Enough of this "every man for himself" bullshit. We are all humans, we all deserve love, and we all need help sometimes. This country is not a business, it is simply land with a lot of people living on it. We all live on a planet together and should not be divided as if others are the enemy. You know this. You were raised to accept everyone and be open-minded. The election will have you fearful for the future, but keep your head held high and believe. There are more people that think like you than you think and there is always hope.
The holiday season rolls around and the days are short and bitterly cold. The stress of finals approaching will weigh on you more than ever and while you're loving college you also truly hate it sometimes. The partying nearly every weekend has taken a toll on you and you're waiting for your liver to fight back. You wonder if you'll ever gain back all the hours of sleep lost.
Then comes the phone call at 3 am from your dad. You only will wake up because your headphones are in and it yanks you straight out of your sleep. When you see a missed call from him your stomach will flip and your heart will instantly drop because you already know exactly what's happened. The drive through the darkness is something you'll unfortunately never forget and your whole body is quivering with utter heartbreak and despair.
You'll cry over Jacques' body in the sterile and lonely animal hospital. Your tears soak his curly fur and your breathing is so jagged you'll swear you're about to die too and join him wherever he may be. You know you've lost a piece of your heart that you can never get back and you'll cry about it for months and months, but it's okay. You have to remind yourself that he is always with you and that some days are going to be better than others. Every memory of him is fond and your heart is full, even though his passing left it so broken. You know you're beyond lucky despite it all.
Christmas is weird. Is any Christmas ever really normal? It's your first college Christmas and your first Christmas in Colorado without Jacques. Everything is different but somehow it's all much the same. It's going to be a new year and then Daniel has a seizure and you swear God is angry at you for something. You wonder why everything seems to be falling apart but then suddenly it'll be 2017. You're working at the mall and it's your first retail job. To your surprise, you are really enjoying it. Not only are you making money but you're surrounded by cute clothes and incredible people. While you only will work there for a little bit, you'll be endlessly thankful for the opportunity.
Time for a new semester and you'll be shocked that you've made it halfway in to the first year already. Your classes are better but worse. There's more homework but you are enjoying what you're learning about. Don't let people put your major down or put you down for what you're passionate about. You know not everyone understands, but don't forget your gift. You have a talent and never let anyone tell you otherwise.
You'll develop a crush on a boy that is probably way out of your league, but you fall hard anyways. You spend hours self loathing and criticizing yourself, wondering if you'll ever be good enough for him or anyone for that matter. Yeah. Screw that. You're too strong to be thinking that way and you know it. Besides, what's one boy really? Life is too short to worry over people and things that don't matter at all.
It's college, so naturally you fall back in to the same partying habits from last semester. Shots for everyone, themed frat parties, and dancing on tables is the way of life. Honestly, why even take shots if you can chug straight from the bottle, right? You're going to experience such a high, but every hungover morning is going to be just as miserable as you expected. You'll create plenty of memories, some more blurry than others, but nothing is going to change. Nothing is going to get better in life unless you act and decide to take things in to your own hands. Some of your favorite weekends will be the ones that you spend in with your closest friends. You'll have more energy and feel less stressed all around. Still, work on balancing your social life. Sometimes you need to just chill and not worry about going out.
Stick up for yourself. Don't let boys or friends treat you however they want. You're not a doormat and you know how to speak your mind. Thankfully, your parents didn't just teach you how to be a kind person, but they taught you how to stand up for yourself and others. Thank them for making you strong. Even though you fight with your parents and have your moments, you know you wouldn't be who you are without them.
Remind yourself to love yourself the way Jacques loved you. Remember the lessons he taught you. Be forgiving, loving, and live in the moment. Love yourself and love those around you. Be grateful and appreciative for each second you're blessed with. Don't take anything for granted, no matter how small it may seem. Work hard but also take time for yourself to relax and be present. Life is sadly way too short.
Say prayers not to ask for anything, but just to thank God for the life He has given you. Use your free will for the better, and help those around you when they need it most. Don't leave others the way you have been left before. Enjoy the sun on your skin and admire the way it sinks behind the mountains each afternoon. Remember to appreciate each second, because they'll slip away before you know it. You aren't guaranteed anything in this life, especially not time.
You've grown a lot. You have come a long way and have a long way to go. There is constant room for improvement and one day you'll reach that self-actualization stage and truly feel fulfilled.
Life will test you in lots of ways and throw a lot of curveballs your way. Keep moving forward and don't let anything hold you back. Believe in yourself and love yourself. You're too beautiful inside and out to hate the person you are. Recognize how special you are and never forget how loved you are by your family. Accept everyone for how you want to be accepted. You understand everyone just wants to be loved and belong. Don't forget that.
I'm so proud of you for almost reaching the end of high school. You have a long way to go and a lot is going to happen very soon, but it is nothing you can't handle. You're going to love college, even when you really hate it. I love you and I am proud of the woman you are becoming.
Love always,
The you from the future
P.S. stay fabulous
Until next time xxx.
